Monday, November 27, 2017


Last night in the car on the way home from my 9-year-olds piano lesson You’re So Vain by Carly Simon came on the radio. Naturally I cranked it up and began belting it out.

My son had many questions about this song:
  • What does vain mean? 
  • What are "clouds in my coffee?"
  • Why were songs from a long time ago so slow and weeeird?

I gave him answers and of course let him know the mystery surrounding the song, who is it about? Warren Beatty? Mick Jagger? He was not interested in these facts.

As we got toward the end of the song I’m very into it -– ignoring his request to “make it softer” I tried to school him on horse races in Saratoga and total eclipses of the sun I had to go into another story as to why this song held a special place in my heart involving this classic tune. I turned the volume down.

“MOMMY SANG THIS SONG IN HIGH SCHOOL” I blurted out, giggling and cramping up recalling that time I thought I could sing a Carly Simon in front of people. He wanted to know more about this.

As a teenage girl who was completely unqualified to try out for things (dance team, student senate, etc.) I felt it was natural for me during my junior year to give it my all and try out for SHOWCASE! which was my school’s version of Glee/tame high school rock show.

What made me want to try out for SHOWCASE! (I write it like this because in my mind I see all capital letters followed by an explanation point) were a few things:

1. The musical theater kids were in SHOWCASE! They knew Barbara Streisand’s The Broadway Album and the ins and outs of Les Mis and Phantom and pretended to like Cats like me. They were all super-talented and could sell a song that brought a tear to my dad’s eye when we’d sit at their concerts. Rock songs, standards, pop songs, SHOWCASE! did all this. 

2. They had a theme every year. Themes like "Look At Us Now" or "Fire Up!"



In retrospect, once again I completely recognize this as my longing to be a part of something…belong to something. Anything. Come on Mr. Skora, put me in the way back in the chorus...just let me wear that goddamned jacket.

Now, let me tell you a little about the SHOWCASE! jackets -– they were not cool. Like at all. They were navy blue satin, gathered around the wrists and waist with snap buttons with SHOWCASE! emblazoned across the back and your name in script letters embroidered onto the upper left side on the front.

Obviously, these very uncool jackets meant something to me if I can remember the tiniest detail about them.

These were the second-rate letterman jackets but my God, I would have loved to have had one. I would have worn year-round with the hot Florida sun reflecting off that satin like a solar panel, baking myself like a little singing potato.

I decided I’d audition with You’re So Vain after going between that and Joy to the World by Three Dog Night. I don’t know what compelled me to focus on songs my parents enjoyed rather than sing Circle in the Sand by Belinda Carlisle or All Over Him by The Jets like the other kids were singing but somehow I landed on Carly Simon.

I had purchased the sheet music. 
I never practiced once with piano accompaniment. 
I sang the song in my car and in the shower. 
I wore a beret to the audition. 

In the room was the SHOWCASE! director Mr. Skora along with several current SHOWCASE! members, all wearing that slick SHOWCASE! jacket I longed for. For some reason I wasn’t nervous at all. A few of the current members knew me from drama club and seemed anxious to hear what I had planned.

I did not make SHOWCASE!

I didn’t know how to sell this song, I had never had a lover who walked on to yacht wearing a scarf that was apricot. I also did not know how to sing with a piano. Or sing really at all.

I plowed through one verse and the chorus was told thank you and left. My mind raced searching for the good things I had done in the audition but I couldn’t really find one. I took off my beret and waited out front for my mom to pick me up.

I still held out hope when I went to look at that list on the wall by the music room that my name may be on it but duh, it was not.

No SHOWCASE! No making my dad cry watching his daughter sing songs by The Rolling Stones, The Eagles or Carly Simon. And no jacket.

I tried hard to act really cold around an older boy named David who was in SHOWCASE! so he’d offer up that jacket to me, but he wasn’t taking that thing off for anybody and I couldn’t blame him.

I guess those dreams were just clouds in my coffee. But at least I'm not stuck living with the memory of young me belting out JEREMIAH WAS A BULLFROG at the top of my lungs.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Just Peachy.

Remembering the colors of the 1980’s the train in my brain stops at the usual places.

Fluorescent pinks. Various shades of turquoise and aqua. That purple that only existed for a brief moment in 1984.

But there was one totally ‘80s color that I had forgotten about until this floral arrangement was delivered to my office today.

The flowers woke up a memory of an outfit so clearly I could almost feel the fabric and smell the Colors by benetton perfume I'd spritz on top of it.

Peach overalls! Layered over a cutesy Outback Red top, topped off with a matching scrunchie no one would ever see, but I knew it was there.

Le sigh.

I’d forgotten that peach was kinda huge back in the day. And since it was the ‘80s it wasn’t a light, pastel peach. It was a milky peach. A loud peach. It was the brightest shade of peach it could be before morphing into neon-peach, which exists only in my dreams and on Brooke Shields.

Thinking about that cutesy peach overalls number led me to remembering this other get up which you may call a peach nightmare, but I call awesome.

Funny how when I was much younger I embraced the trashy-business-woman look with this beloved peach skirt paired with burnt toast colored nylons and cheapo white pumps. Merry Christmas!

Just like the fluorescent pink, turquoise and that elusive 1984 purple, you really don’t see a ton of peach out there in the fashion world today. I’m hoping it makes a giant comeback. When it does I’ll wear it.

Maybe not in overall form. But I’ll totally wear it.

Monday, May 22, 2017

What's Good for the Goose

I’m not super familiar with Ready for the World’s entire music catalog, but I am pretty sure every single song they ever sang was about wanting to have sex, thinking about sex or straight up having sex. 

Just look at these guys.

Capes, loafers, the whole shebang, they are ready to go. And all those medals they're wearing? I'm guessing they're for sweet, sweet lovemaking.

I know they have way dirtier songs (Love You Down? Human Toy? Yo! That's a Lot of Body?) but their chart-topping hit “Oh Sheila” will always be a front runner for me.

Most notably because of that time when an old boyfriend danced and lip synced this song in its entirety to me on Valentine’s Day, 1980-something. Also the “oh-oh-oh-oh Sheila” part induced hip thrusts and gyrations by teenage boys and girls at various teen night clubs around the world, I'm sure. It did at least at Faces Teen Night Club in Tampa Florida.

Also this song changed the way I will forever hear the phrase “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” 

I'm not sure what philosopher/writer/smart person actually came up with that one but for anyone who went to those teen nightclubs we will go ahead and continue to credit these guys. Not that it comes up in conversation a lot but when it does, I’ll always repeat it in my head in a poorly executed cockney accent. 

I haven't met a Sheila in years, but next time I do be assured it'll be hard for me not to throw in a hip thrust (or three) along with my handshake.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Yogurt Makes Me Angry.

Sometimes when I really love I really love it a lot, I love it so much that the thought alone of it can make me angry.

Nine times out of ten these things revolve around a food I love. Or music. Mostly food. 
For example:
  • Carvel soft serve with rainbow sprinkles. I love it so much I'm upset.
  • The opening choir singing You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Stones. I am furious.
  • Nutella. Cookie Butter. Nutella and Cookie Butter. My head just exploded with anger.

Here is a new thing I'm pretty pissed off about.

See, I've been doing this no sugar thing since October but lately, I've been adding some sweet treats back into my life. This one is on the healthier side (unlike the Peeps Oreos that I had last night. Ssshhhhhh.) Back to yogurt. This yogurt is delicious. This yogurt is fucking delicious.

This is no Yoplait. No Dannon. Ellenos Greek Yogurt tastes like ice cream, it's better than a lot of ice cream I've had. This yogurt is a treat. You don't need any mix-ins, no toppings, no cereal would ever be worth stirring into this custard glory.
Are you kidding me.
I tried marionberry and lemon curd. 
I don't think I have to tell you how mad I am right now.

As you can tell from the fancy-pants packaging these are fancy-pants yogurts and not cheap. They are $3.99 at my local New Seasons grocery store. For ONE yogurt. That is almost four dollars.

I am willing to pay this amount for something that I love. Something that I now require. That I may have to get a part time job in order to continue eating. Just take all of my money Mr. and Mrs. Ellenos because I love you and your delicious yogurt so much.

So when you find me in the poorhouse sitting in a corner, licking the bottom of a marionberry yogurt container just know that I am happy. And incredibly angry.

Monday, January 9, 2017

New Year, New Stuff I Love.

I've been away for a while and I've missed you. But not to worry -- I've still been buying lots of cosmetics, lotions and vanilla-scented things to make me happy. Today I'm here to report back on a few that I find exceptionally great. 

Julep Nail Polish
I like this nail polish for a few reasons:
  • It goes on really smooth and isn't gloppy
  • It's cool, chrome and metallic 
  • The color is called WILMA

Wilma is one of those shades that changes depending on the light you're in. It's a pretty, rose-gold number that reminds me of my entire jewelry wardrobe circa 1991.

Josie Maran Body Butter
This was a Christmas gift from my husband and it was pretty romantic how he picked it out for me. I was on hour three of being hypnotized by beauty products on QVC when a presentation came on for this giant box of argan oil/body butter and perfume in a VANILLA WAFER scent. I yelled for him to order it for me at five easy payments of $15.38.

Oh man that Josie makes a nice body butter, all whipped and creamy -- the scent is nice too; although I have to say, the Nilla Wafer scent also kind of mixed with...and stick with me on this...with notes of...Play-Doh. I'm not kidding. 

At least that's what my nose tells me. Bottom line, it smells really good and makes me want to roll out a mat and take a nap on the floor.

It Cosmetics Superhero Mascara
New year, new favorite mascara.

I like this giant tube A LOT. It gives my puny lashes tons of volume and lift. It's really buildable unlike some other brands where adding coat after coat leads to clumps, Coat after coat of this makes my lashes look thicker and longer. It also claims to be anti-aging, which is good for all of us gals with our elderly eyelashes? I dunno. It's a good mascara you guys.

Neutrogena Revitalizing Lip Balm
Oooooh this lip balm is so good...super-hydrating and tinted with color that you can actually see. I'm loving this Sunny Berry shade in the dead of winter.

This stuff is really moisturizing and claims to give you "softer, rosier and healthier looking lips, even after you take it off." I will keep you posted as to the tint of my lips as 2017 goes on.

Let me know if you've tried any of these and love them too, or if there's something great you made your husband order off the television set for you.

Or if you agree with me that smelling vaguely of Nilla Wafers mixed with Play-Doh is kinda great.