Friday, November 1, 2013


For someone who loves Halloween as much as I do I tend to buy the shittiest Halloween candy possible to hand out to trick-or-treaters. I’m the house passing out the Good ‘n Plenty’s, stupid little rolls of Smarties, the Necco Wafers - who enjoys Necco Wafers? Maybe Old people? They seem so medicinal to me.

Why do I pass out miserable clove flavored candy?
Simple - I don’t like it. 

And come today November 1st, I don’t want or need a bunch of the good stuff (Milky Ways, Snickers, Rolos, basically anything with chocolate and caramel) hanging around my house.

I see people post things on Facebook about having to hide the Halloween candy because yikes! It’s too tempting and oh my God, how they ate four whole pieces and feel like a pig. 

And I laugh. Because I can relate. 
And I laugh. Because four pieces is like the appetizer to
the appetizer of my yearly candy binge.

Yup – here I go again, if you’re exhausted by the body image posts, like this one or this one or any of the countless other ones you may want to run screaming now.

Or you may want to settle in for another bumpy, bingey, sweaty, rotten ride.

The span between Halloween and Christmas is awesome and brutal for obvious reasons, but for an all-or-nothing type of gal like me, Halloween candy is the worst. And the best. And the worst.

As I type this, I’m thinking “all-or-nothing type of gal” is a kinder, more "cute" way to say BINGE EATER.

There was an amazing Halloween party at my moms work last Friday. Every year all the employees dress up, there is a flash mob dance number (if you haven’t seen a bunch of secretaries dance to "Thriller" I highly recommend it) and of course there is trick-or-treating.

So here’s what came home with me and my boys and is on my kitchen table RIGHT NOW:
Two GIANT buckets of the good stuff, no shit candy here, not a Necco in sight.

Of course I’ve eaten a bunch of it. Of course I’m trying to be all sneaky about it. Of course I’m fooling nobody, especially myself.

I mean the first Reese’s Peanut Butter cup is delicious – the ninth one is pretty revolting.

It’s such a vicious cycle, it’s such a drug. The high, the gut-ache, the hangover the next morning, the guilt, guilt, guilt.

Just when I think I have it under control I find myself at the end of every October wondering how I’m still here, in this same spot in my head - and same spot in my gut - and in my thighs.

It’s not the end of the world and I’m totally fine and I’m a lucky girl and I know that - in the big picture I don’t have any problems. My only problem today is that my skirt is tight and I’m bloated. Big fucking deal. 

I’m tired of being a broken record that skips in the same spot. And not a good record like Let it Bleed or Tattoo You.
I’m more like some bad album by Creed or the Forrest Gump soundtrack. 

And for that, I apologize not only to myself, but to everybody on the entire planet. 

Life is like a box of chocolate.
And a pumpkin head full of Reese's, Kit Kats, Twix, and caramel-filled eyeballs.
'Eff you Forrest Gump.


  1. You handed out Neccos and we handed out dum dums. You know, those tiny little lollipops suited for 2 year olds? Turns out I can fit 11 of those suckers (pun intended) in my mouth all at once, comfortably. Okay I can really fit 15 comfortably but that isn't the worst part. They tasted like such crap, I bought a bag of jollie ranchers AND 2 things of starbursts afterwards. Ate em 'all. No one is safe from Halloween candy. For me, buying the shitty stuff is actually more dangerous because as it turns out, it is gateway candy. I woke up this morning bloated like never before--but now, thinking about the binge reminds me of orange starburst. Mmmm. Even though my puffy little fingers are almost back to normal, I think we have some dum dums left so maybe those will take my mind off the starburst.

    1. I always thought dum-dums were dumb because they were so teeny-tiny, just like I never understood why they called small candy bars "fun size" when it would be way more fun if it was BIG! We have two more giant buckets after trick-or-treating. I hid some in the car last night, that helped. Ugh...

  2. They ARE dum. I ate a bunch anyway so what does that make me? Exactly. And I can't have fun sized candy bars because they aren't candy bars. They are chocolate bites. I can eat a lot of bites so this is essentially false advertising, right? At least dum-dums are honest about what they are. (Which is even harder on my self esteem because I ate them anyway.) I'm getting Neccos next year. I don't have kids and I saw the Halloween loot your kids got--WOW. And all good stuff too. Not a dum dum or necco in the pile. Hang in there. Whatever you do, don't freeze it thinking this will help you resist. You will just break a tooth. (Neighbor.)

    1. I'm thinking four fun-sized candy bars equals one un-fun size candy bar and I'm thinking I ate like thirty of them. Talk about not fun.

    2. And next year I will get the dumb Dum-Dum's along with the miserable Necco's.