Friday, October 11, 2013

Five songs that I never need to hear again.

Once in a while a song comes on the radio that sends me flying into the backseat of the big brown bomber family car of my youth. 

My dad taught me a lot about music, and I owe my love of obscure Motown music and the importance of Jim Morrison and The Doors to him.

Certain songs make me super nostalgic- I see myself laying down comfortably in the backseat of the car, looking up at the stars, riding home on the Bronx River Parkway on a Sunday evening from Grandma and Papa’s house.

And certain songs…blech. 

I can feel every bump in the road, my brother and I are fighting over his arm crossing the line into MY SPACE and I feel like I’m gonna hurl baked ziti onto the floorboards.

These five songs fall into that category.
It pains me to even post these videos, but if I'm suffering, you guys are suffering along with me.

Reelin’ in the Years – Steely Dan.
The song that inspired this post, I heard it last night as I was flipping around trying to find something to listen to. My hatred of Steely Dan is legendary and my dad’s love for them was pretty big. This song particularly annoyed me, from the falsetto “reelin in the yeeeeeeaaaarrrrs” chorus to the talky/singy remainder of the song, the singer (Steely Dan?) always sounded so arrogant to me. When I found out years later that Steely Dan was my bosses favorite band my hatred for them was further elevated and forever set in stone. 

Ordinary Average Guy – Joe Walsh.
Sorry Joe Walsh, I’m just really not into listening to you talk about your boring friends, your average kids/wife, bowling (barf), and picking up the dog doo in your yard. Although this song isn't from when I was a kid, it feels like it was. How is this song from 1991? HOW? Oh and did I mention that it's awful?

Escape (The Piña Colada Song) – Rupert Holmes.
Probably the worst song ever written about personal ads and blended beverages. Old Rupert wants a girl who likes piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, someone not into yoga (because yeah, that's stupid) making love on the beach at exactly midnight, someone who's not into health food, likes champagne, oh and yeah, she's gotta have half a brain. Listen, the guys not asking for much. Ladies if you have half a brain you'd steer clear of RUPERT. Because he's a giant asshole.
I do smile remembering the alternative lyrics my brother Mike and I came up with:

"If you like poopin' out at midnight,
in the sheets of your bed,
you're the lady I look for,
come and poop on my head."

So much better, right?

One of These Nights – The Eagles.
Oh dear, The Eagles. I used to really like them when I was little, my dad listened to them a lot. Then as a teenage girl I grew wary of that Eagles Greatest Hits cassette tape that he wore out in the tape player in the car. This song bothers me today but talk to me tomorrow and it could be "Lyin' Eyes" "Take it to the Limit" or "Desperado." I kind of have a soft spot for "Hotel California" because in high school I used to like to picture myself singing this during a glee club performance, in a red dress with a fan blowing really hard on me luring all these guys into my hotel. I guess I was the devil? Or The Eagles are the devil? I don't know, but do I know I'm not too fond of them anymore.

A Horse With No Name – America.
Because I’m not a particular fan of horses, twangy accents, “plants, birds, rocks and things” (that is an actual line in the song) or hearing you complain about how hot it is in the desert. I kinda figured that it was.

So I never need to hear these songs again, ok?
Especially the Steely Dan one. 
And the horse one. 
Ok, I never need to hear any of them ever again. 

I know for a fact my five year old already feels this way about a certain song.
The other day when Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” came on I was singing along, picturing my dorm room back in college,
peach wine coolers and clove cigarettes. 

He asked, “Can you change this song? I just don’t like it.
I don’t like his voice or the way he talks about all of those things.”



  1. Okay Ferraro ... hold on a minute. The Eagles were a key contributor to my upbringing. And I believe One of These Nights is one of the best albums ever. Remember when albums had an arch? A storytelling line that took you from one place and put you in another? You know, back when listening to music wasn't hit and miss channel surfing? I do. Paul Simon's Hearts and Bones will totally kill you if you listen to it while driving across South Dakota ... honest. And, my dear, Rupert Holmes might have written that song for the money to finance the creation of his musical The Mystery of Edwin Drood ... that's right ... he's a theatre guy. (Note the "re".) So, although the Pina Colada song is taxing ... you gotta admit ... it's what we marketing folks call sticky. And that's a good thing.

    1. Aaaah, I LOVE this comment! The Eagles were a huge part of my upbringing too, I think my hatred for them is truly a result of my dad playing them to death, it's not their fault, blame Rich Ferraro. But I've noticed that I do seem to have a problem with drummers who are also lead singers - Don Henley, Genesis, Night Ranger - that could have something to do with it too. And I had no idea about m'man RUPERT. Jeez! But he does come off like an asshole in that pina colada song. And I adore Paul Simon, my dad introduced me to him as well. Oh, and Art too. But now what I really want to know is your thoughts on miserable Steely Dan...

    2. You just need to smoke some 'medical marijuana' to appreciate Free Fallin. But there is no cure for Reelin in the Years. And no excuse.

  2. I could not agree more with ALL of them...and I love Tom Petty. Escape is the worst song ever my humble opinion. Why do I know ALL THE WORDS??

    1. Michelle, it is THE WORST. I suggest memorizing the alternative lyrics I mention in the post, as they are far superior to the original...