Friday, September 6, 2013

Vision quest.

This past weekend I did a ton of cleaning around the house.
The garage was cleaned out, toilets were scrubbed, holy crap, I even dusted! I felt good about what I accomplished!

Until I came across this - which kinda made me start to question some things I haven’t accomplished:

For those of you who don’t know what this is, it’s a “vision board” that I made about four years ago.

A vision board is a board (duh) that you take and write on/decorate with photos and quotes that express a vision - things that you would like to come into your life.

It’s a pretty loose concept – it can be what you want tomorrow, what you want ten years from now, things you want to work on, things you are proud of having accomplished and want to expand on.

It can be artsy-fartsy or it can be hooey-dooey. It can even be artsy-dooey if you like.

Upon completing this board and having a lovely evening (along with several cocktails) with Julie, Laura and Kristen this board sat on my dresser, right behind my perfume bottles and jewelry box – in a place of honor, where I could look at it every day and envision myself in this positive place, fulfilling all of the dreams so beautifully decoupaged onto the white background.

It sat there for at least a good year or so – then something must have happened that made me move it
from the spot of honor to the new spot in the back of my closet.

A pretty dramatic change from being front and center, maybe I was having a bad day? Frustrated that I was still working at a job I didn't enjoy? Or maybe it was just the last time I dusted? I’m not sure, but it’s been back behind the laundry basket for a good long while now.

Seeing it again made my heart race, in both a good and a bad way. Good in remembering the creation of it, the night with my girls, pretty colors/pretty quotes, etc. and bad in an “oh shit, what have I accomplished/what am I doing with my life/I am a failure” kind of a way. No big whoop.

A few things I wrote made me smile - I felt really good about them:
I love my boys. I love the traditions we have created as a family, from our holiday traditions, annual beach trip and "Pizza Friday" every damn Friday night come hell or high water. And come to think of it, I have come a long way baby...and now that they are a little older, I am sleeping better. Huge bonus for that, even if it's kind of out of my control, I mean the kids are older and just sleeping better. But I envisioned it and it happened. Yay, me.
A few things I wrote made me roll my eyes:
Travel? To Italy? London and Hawaii? HAH!
Although we did go home to New York for Grandma's 90th birthday. Yay, Grandma.
A few things I wrote made me laugh out loud:

A few made me feel inspired:
Hooray! I've done a couple shows and set to start rehearsing a new one later this month.
As stated above four years ago, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I feel creative, and I don't feel guilty doing what I love. Check, check, check.

And a few just made me feel kinda depressed:
 Ugh, still obsessing about food, thinking about food, worrying about food, pasting things on my vision board about food. Everything on the board is very positive, common sense, on the up and up - but considering where I am in my relationship with food at this moment, it bothers me. Probably because I am doing the opposite of the bullet points listed above - eating bad, obsessing, being really mean to myself and not liking what I see in the mirror. Then I work out like a crazy person and starve to try and undo the damage done. 'Eff you vision board.
As far as the classes above go, I've taken zumba which I love, and I should do more.
And yoga, yeah, by the time I get around to doing that on a regular basis it won't be hip or cool anymore so...that's good?

One thing made me feel really good.
It was like the tiniest little afterthought vision on the whole damn board:
See waaaay over there toward the edge of the board over there what it says? It says "write!!" And I'm writing. And I like that, it feels good. Writing was just a tiny little "maybe I'll try that someday" vision with two exclamation points to fill in some space.

I'm glad I took something and ran with it. I love this blog. I'm writing other stuff too, guest posting on my favorite 80's website and working on something that I hope someday will turn into a book. Or a play. Or something fun and truthful to read.

I shouldn't feel badly about what I haven't accomplished. I put the vision board back in the place of honor. It's been a few days and I like seeing it again everyday.

And I'll continue to envision Italy.
And London.
And Hawaii.

Yoga? Not so much.


  1. I must say I am glad you are writing, I love your blog. (Which I discovered when reading the said 80's website, your piece on feathered hair.) I read all of your previous posts in 2 days while at my boring job. I felt like I was reading my childhood diaries.

    1. Astrid, that is one of the nicest things I've read...ever. Thank you for reading! Did you keep all your old diaries?