Friday, July 5, 2013

Does this make me look fat?

As you may have learned from some of my previous posts like a million of you out there - I have a few body image issues.

Actually more than a few.

And mine are a little more cryptic.
A little more illogical. A little more weird.
I totally recognize that.

Like how I felt like people would think I looked like an elephant if I wore a jacket that had elephants all over it
(they didn’t) or how wearing a bracelet can add ten pounds to me (it doesn’t).

I’m super aware of how mean I can be to myself a lot of the time and I’m constantly trying to battle the bully in my head that reared its head at a young age.

I recognize that sometimes the things that can ruin my day by making me feel fat are so beyond ridiculous that I have to laugh at them. Or check myself into the nearest institution.

For example - this week - these three things:

A box.
This box sits in the doorway of my co-worker Mary's office that I pass by 900 times a day walking around the office to and from my desk. My last name starts with an “F”, contains three “R’s” and is hyphenated with my husband’s last name that begins with a “B.” When I walk by this box, every time in my mind I say “LARGE FERRARO BURNETT” which means I say that to myself in my head a lot. Is this the stupidest thing ever? Probably.

This box makes me feel fat.

A Milkshake.
Duh, a milkshake has every right to make me feel fat right? But what if it’s not for me? And I’m just carrying it? From a fast food joint to my car? Last week I was going to see a friend of mine after work who wasn’t feeling well. When I asked her what “treat” I could bring over to help make her feel better she said a strawberry shake from Burgerville. I got her a large, with extra whipped cream.

As soon as the cashier handed it to me I felt like I had to get out of there and FAST as I was mentally preparing my, “It’s not for me it’s for a friend, who is sick, and asked me to pick this up for her” speech. Needless to say, nobody saw me and more importantly, WHO THE HELL CARES IF SOMEBODY DID SEE ME HOLDING A GODDAMN MILKSHAKE. Is this the stupidest thing ever? Close second to a cardboard box giving me a complex.

It’s like I’m having an affair.
Nothing happened! I swear! It's not what you think! 

A Family Swim.
This one makes the most sense since it involves a bathing suit. Jesus, don’t get me started on the self-loathing that goes on for me at the community center pool. I get it, kids like to swim, but it’s a lot of work for me to get geared up for this highly unenjoyable trip. Ultimately I get splashed in the eyes with heavily chlorinated water, my hair gets wet despite my battle to keep it piled on top of my head and I have acute anxiety fearing my bathing suit will slide to the side and my boob will pop out in front of a bunch of dads and children. Towels, changes of clothes, cash for snacks, bags for wet stuff, etc. GAH.

For my boys there is no issue, they whip off their shirts and in they go. But for me, it’s a lifetime of body image issues rolled up with the “is my bikini wax still at an acceptable stage” issue plopped on top of the fact that I really could use a new bathing suit so I can stop feeling myself up in the pool to make sure I'm not flashing anybody.

This suit has seen plenty of action.
By my hands.

Last week we ended our swim all together in the family changing room which is, well, not fun. Peeling off a wet bathing suit under fluorescent lights in a concrete room with a toilet in front of others is not my favorite thing to do. I realized while in there that I had forgotten my bra which for me is a pretty big deal.

With no bra and a t-shirt on I had to take the looong walk down the hall of the community center and out to the car all 70's-style, praying I wouldn't run into anyone I knew. Without my bra on, no make up and wet hair I had easily gained 30, maybe 40 pounds. Easily. Stupidest thing ever? No, this one is completely logical.

I tried turning that box in Mary's office around but it said the exact same thing on the other side.
Why is that box out to get me???
Rather than feel defeated, I doctored it up a little.

I sure showed that box.

"Lovely" has a much nicer ring to it than "large."

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