Friday, June 28, 2013

The gambler.

I love winning.
Now I’m not talking about winning some sporting event - I’m talking about winning some money.

Cash.
Dinero.
Clams.
Bones.
Smackers.

That’s what I’m talking about.

Just how do I enjoy winning these smackers?
Two words: THE LOTTERY.

Not Powerball - like winning millions of dollars - although I wouldn’t pooh-pooh that idea. And not card games of any sort - although I do like to picture myself in dark sunglasses sitting quietly at a table with a bunch of weird dudes. I’m more of a small scale professional gambler. Like really small.

Scratch-its and slots are my games - if you consider those games.

When my friend Laura and I were travelling around the world in our early 20’s doing Department of Defense shows for soldiers overseas we had a blast seeing the sights, shopping, and playing the slot machines in the bars on the military bases. This was my first introduction to gambling and together Laura and I were a lethal combination, never cashing out when we were up then of course losing it all. Other performers in our group would have to physically remove us from the machines to stop us from playing the infamous "just one more."

Scratch-Its are my current obsession. They are like that crummy boyfriend who builds up your expectations and constantly lets you down. They get my palms sweaty and my heart racing with the anticipation of a few bucks…something…anything…even the dollar I spent to get it...getting that dollar back…I am a winner!

I have drawers full of scratched off scratch-its that I keep “just in case” – I mean I’ve checked them, I can see that there aren’t three matching elephants on that Jungle Jim ticket, there aren’t three matching anythings on there, but I have to take it to Fred Meyer and scan it just to be sure. Because the thought of throwing away a winning ticket also makes my palms sweaty and my heart race.

Top desk drawer at work.

So if I had a little extra money from my lottery windfall lying around what would I do? I wouldn’t do stupid things you think I might do, like go out and buy a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes or buy some miracle $275 facial moisturizer. Nope.

I’d pay off my debt, take a trip to New York to see my family and treat myself to more expensive versions of things I use everyday. Things I pick up at the store, admire, then put away because the less-expensive version just makes more sense.

Things like:
LOVE this soap - especially the lavender scent.
The whole Mrs. Meyer's line is fancy. They have a $19.99 Geranium scented laundry soap and dish soap that smells like basil. Which is awesome if you want your clean dishes to smell like basil. Heck, who don't?
  

Don't get mad because I enjoy this expensive, extremely arrogant toothpaste.
The Classic Strong Mint flavor is like brushing my teeth with Altoids.


Dave's Killer Bread
Sure it would be easier on my wallet to buy this bread if there was more bread in my wallet.
But regardless of a winning scratch it or a dud, I'm buying Dave's Killer Bread.
Call me crazy, it's like five-bucks a loaf, but it's crazy good.

This is my favorite piece of the loaf, which I lovingly refer to as the "butt."
The butt is totally worth the money.

AND…

I’d buy the eyeglass frames that I want. That are imported from Italy. And are the coolest most awesome eyeglass frames ever.

With my old-lady-vision the prescription plus the frames is $600. With insurance. I was choked up and almost cried when I had to tell the very nice woman who helped me weed through hundreds of frames to find these oh-so-perfect ones that I’m gonna hafta wait on getting them.

Did I mention they're from Italy.

No others I try even come close. I went to Costco and tried some on. That felt like returning to the crummy boyfriend - but this time he was a jerk that made me pay for everything, never complimented me and always made me feel bad about myself.

Jerky Costco glasses I took a picture of.
Not even worthy of being photographed on my face.
Also, not from Italy.

So I’ll wait.
I’ll be kinda blind, but I’ll wait.

I’ll wait for the three elephants, the Tic Tac Toe, the tattoo rose where I scratch off
three hearts that say “MOM” – I’ll wait.

Because it will happen.
I will be washing my hands with fancier soap and brushing my teeth with arrogant toothpaste,
all while seeing very clearly.

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