At the end of the week maybe this Dove Soap beauty campaign has completely exhausted you; maybe you haven't seen it yet. But it hit close to home for me.
Like seriously close to home.
Like in my living room sitting next to me on the couch while I eat my sixteenth Ritz with peanut butter and jelly close to home.
I remember shopping with my bestie Laura several years ago, trying on pants that I thought fit me perfectly.
I came out of the dressing room to show Laura, and the conversation went something like this:
“They’re cute, but they’re waaay too big on you Lori, do you want me to get you the next size down?”
“No, this is my size.”
“No it’s not. It might be the size you wear but it sure as hell isn't your size.”
This wasn’t following some big weight loss where I was still seeing myself a certain way, or a PMS day, or the day after Thanksgiving - this was just an average day with me hiding behind some giant pants - this was how I saw myself.
Now I’m no sketch-artist, but please enjoy a few self-portraits courtesy of my diaries from back in the day:
|My first loathing self portrait, age 8.|
Linda Lotts looked the prettiest and I looked like a monster - A MONSTER.
|Thigh anxiety, age 16.|
|Nose and chin - much too pointy, age 18.|
And now, this drawing I made of myself at work last week.
Still on my desk buried under some boring notes this lovely self-portrait was created first thing in the morning, like at 7:00 a.m.
Before I even had a full cup of coffee I was happy to have a lively discussion with two female co-workers about things we don't like about our faces and bodies. Seems like a good start to the day.
I told them I could better explain if I drew how I see myself:
|Good hair at least? Age 40-something.|
All these years later and this is pretty much the same picture I drew of myself in high school - the one in the bathing suit with the big thighs.
And yes I know I probably should work on this.
I really am going to try to.
In fact I'm pretty mad/sad/annoyed by the whole thing.
That I'm still drawing that same picture.