Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Soap gets in your eyes.

Right along with the rest of the planet, here is what I've been sharing this week :




At the end of the week maybe this Dove Soap beauty campaign has completely exhausted you; maybe you haven't seen it yet. But it hit close to home for me. 

Like seriously close to home.

Like in my living room sitting next to me on the couch while I eat my sixteenth Ritz with peanut butter and jelly close to home.

I remember shopping with my bestie Laura several years ago, trying on pants that I thought fit me perfectly.
I came out of the dressing room to show Laura, and the conversation went something like this:

“They’re cute, but they’re waaay too big on you Lori, do you want me to get you the next size down?”

“No, this is my size.”

“No it’s not. It might be the size you wear but it sure as hell isn't your size.”

This wasn’t following some big weight loss where I was still seeing myself a certain way, or a PMS day, or the day after Thanksgiving - this was just an average day with me hiding behind some giant pants - this was how I saw myself.

Now I’m no sketch-artist, but please enjoy a few self-portraits courtesy of my diaries from back in the day:


My first loathing self portrait, age 8.
Linda Lotts looked the prettiest and I looked like a monster - A MONSTER.


Thigh anxiety, age 16.
 
 
Nose and chin - much too pointy, age 18.

And now, this drawing I made of myself at work last week.

Still on my desk buried under some boring notes this lovely self-portrait was created first thing in the morning, like at 7:00 a.m.

Before I even had a full cup of coffee I was happy to have a lively discussion with two female co-workers about things we don't like about our faces and bodies. Seems like a good start to the day. 

I told them I could better explain if I drew how I see myself:
 
Good hair at least? Age 40-something.

All these years later and this is pretty much the same picture I drew of myself in high school - the one in the bathing suit with the big thighs.

And yes I know I probably should work on this.
A lot.
I really am going to try to.

In fact I'm pretty mad/sad/annoyed by the whole thing.
That I'm still drawing that same picture.

5 comments:

  1. This post is killin' me man. You do not have big thighs and your chin is perfectly formed. Did you hang out with waifs in high school? I think you did and it messed with your self esteem so bad that anything less than perfection equals abnormal. I hope you can let go of what you think you should look like. Truth is, you look like you're 30, have hair to die for, gorgeous skin color and a beautiful face. Your body is great too but I doubt if you will believe this. Had you homely friends growing up, you would see what everyone else sees. You are quite beautiful. And funny as hell.

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    1. To whoever wrote this - bless you, you are beyond kind.

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  2. Holy crap. You think I'm beyond kind. This tells me you still don't see what other people see when they look at you. I wasn't going to tell this story but here goes...In every photo I've ever seen of myself, I look okay except for this damn double chin and my sister (who is 8 years older than me) always feels better about herself when we are in the same shot because I look like a cow and she looks great. When her comments started to make me feel bad, I went to a plastic surgeon to get the fat sucked out of my chin. Consultation's free so why not right? The surgeon rolled back in his chair, looked at me with his three eyes (two eyes and that light in the middle of his forhead) and said: And I quote, "You must be batshit crazy." I was stunned and mute so he took the opportunity to tell me what I need is a good shrink because my face is fine, better than most. Eyes spaced evenly, nose proportioned just right and bump free. He went on to list my positive attributes and I believed every word he said and you want to know why? He told me that while I could use a breast lift and I have thin lips, I do not have a double chin.
    He did however make it quite clear I am just not photogenic and I should avoid cameras. That was it. I declined on the boobs and lips and went away feeling great. Okay no more from me. Believe it sister!

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  3. Well, I get the privilege of working with you every day and you DON'T look like the Michelin Man! You are funny, beautiful and not at all Monsterous!

    I too think I am fat, obese, etc. (but, secretly hope I'm not:o)).

    What does matter to me is how I take care of those I love and the friend I am.

    Pinky promise to stop the madness now, OK friend?

    xoxo
    Trac

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  4. Trac, pinky promise accepted. We have much better things to talk about! Let's really try together.

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