Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Sexyween.

I love Halloween.
I love everything about it.
Love it, love it, love it.

I thank God that growing up my parents always made the holiday super-special for my brother and me. They had huge Halloween parties - Mike and I would sit on the stairs in our pajamas waiting for the doorbell to ring so we could take turns jumping up and answering it. We would squeal with laughter or fright as mom and dad's friends paraded down into the basement year after year (click here for Ghosts From Halloween's Past.)

Much attention was paid to decorating our house with cardboard cutouts, spiderwebs and pumpkins, watching Halloween TV specials, doing the mash (the monster mash) and of course, choosing the perfect costume.

And so into adulthood a Halloween costume is still important - and necessary.
But as the years have gone by I have noticed something - scary costumes have been replaced.

Halloween is the perfect time of year for teenage girls, young adults, and seemingly normal everyday women to turn themselves into sexy-something-or-others.

Slutty nurses, slutty policewomen, slutty cats, and slutty French maids, sure - these have all been around since I was a kid.

But here are a few more recent additions to the slutty category under costumes that confuse me.

They confuse me a lot. And make me laugh. And then confuse me some more.

Here we go...

So, I'm not sure why you would want to dress up like a sexy Tin Man, or Elmo or Scooby Doo - but if you doobie doobie doo, there is a costume out there for you. Also, there are these atrocities:

Sexy Sponge Bob.
"Whooooooo works at Pink Kitty's behind the train tracks?
Look at the proper placement of Spongey's eyes - clever. That is one happy sponge.
And nothing says Happy Halloween like a little red necktie on your business.

Sexy Big Bird.
Now I know Big Bird has been in the press a lot lately with the election and all but come on, it's come to this? At least she has a little more class than Sponge Bob. And bonus points for matching her little pink belt to her little pink pumps.

Sexy Where's Waldo.
Fifty Shades of Waldo.
Where's Waldo? Ummm, she's pretty easy to find.

I love horror movies, always have, since I was a teenager. So I'm glad to see they were able to slut-up some of the most well-known horror stars of all time. Such as:

Sexy Freddy Krueger. 
Now I didn't know Freddy had a wife - they didn't really touch on that in the films - but this costume is advertised as "Sexy Mrs. Krueger."
I will say, her complexion is much nicer than that of her late husband - Freddy done good. 

Sexy Jason Vorhees.
Look out! It's Sexy Jason Vorhees from the Friday the 13th movies!
This costume kinda reminds me of costumes from the 70's - like when I went as Mindy from Mork and Mindy and my costume was just a plastic jumpsuit with a picture of Mindy on it - but this one is slutty with a picture of Jason on it.

Sexy Michael Meyers.
The worst - Michael Meyers from the Halloween movies - they didn't even try.
A blue jumpsuit with the name of the movie, HALLOWEEN on top of the left boob. No mask, but a bloody knife. I bet she never even saw this movie. Jamie Lee Curtis would not approve.

Other "sexy" honorable mentions include:

Sexy Straitjacket.
Because you are crazy.
Crazy sexy.
And also, you have no legs.

Christmas Sweetie.
 I just can't imagine someone saying, "You know what I want to be for Halloween? SANTA CLAUS."
These two things should remain separate.

Sexy Hamburger.
Oh Christ, really? I mean I love a good hamburger, but...come you really want some jerk following you around all night saying, "Nice buns!"? No, you don't. Or maybe you do. I don't know, this is just a bad costume. Even this model thinks it's stupid, she's all like, "I'm a hamburger, what do you want from me?"

Sexy Terminator.
This costume is called "I'll Be Back Babe" with the word TERMINATOR emblazoned down the leg.
I do not recall this character in the film.

Sexy Crayon.
Perfect. That's it. The perfect costume. I am going to be a sexy crayon. How many times have you heard a woman on October 31st say, "I sure hope there are no other Sexy Crayons at the party tonight."

This year however you dress up, and however you celebrate, let's keep it sexy people.
I'm off to don my "sexy sextretary" costume for work.


  1. hahah, Lori, I LOVE this. next year for halloween, I'm definitely going to dress up as sexy sponge bob. I'll probably scare away all the children :)

  2. Thanks Katie - you be SpongeBob and I'll be that sexy Hamburger!!!

  3. Just ran into your blog and now I wish I had seen the sexy crayon before picking such a lame costume this year. Darn it.

  4. There's always next year Danielle.