Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Sexyween.

I love Halloween.
I love everything about it.
Love it, love it, love it.

I thank God that growing up my parents always made the holiday super-special for my brother and me. They had huge Halloween parties - Mike and I would sit on the stairs in our pajamas waiting for the doorbell to ring so we could take turns jumping up and answering it. We would squeal with laughter or fright as mom and dad's friends paraded down into the basement year after year (click here for Ghosts From Halloween's Past.)

Much attention was paid to decorating our house with cardboard cutouts, spiderwebs and pumpkins, watching Halloween TV specials, doing the mash (the monster mash) and of course, choosing the perfect costume.

And so into adulthood a Halloween costume is still important - and necessary.
But as the years have gone by I have noticed something - scary costumes have been replaced.

Halloween is the perfect time of year for teenage girls, young adults, and seemingly normal everyday women to turn themselves into sexy-something-or-others.

Slutty nurses, slutty policewomen, slutty cats, and slutty French maids, sure - these have all been around since I was a kid.

But here are a few more recent additions to the slutty category under costumes that confuse me.

They confuse me a lot. And make me laugh. And then confuse me some more.

Here we go...

So, I'm not sure why you would want to dress up like a sexy Tin Man, or Elmo or Scooby Doo - but if you doobie doobie doo, there is a costume out there for you. Also, there are these atrocities:

Sexy Sponge Bob.
"Whooooooo works at Pink Kitty's behind the train tracks?
Look at the proper placement of Spongey's eyes - clever. That is one happy sponge.
And nothing says Happy Halloween like a little red necktie on your business.

Sexy Big Bird.
Now I know Big Bird has been in the press a lot lately with the election and all but come on, it's come to this? At least she has a little more class than Sponge Bob. And bonus points for matching her little pink belt to her little pink pumps.

Sexy Where's Waldo.
Fifty Shades of Waldo.
Where's Waldo? Ummm, she's pretty easy to find.

I love horror movies, always have, since I was a teenager. So I'm glad to see they were able to slut-up some of the most well-known horror stars of all time. Such as:

Sexy Freddy Krueger. 
Now I didn't know Freddy had a wife - they didn't really touch on that in the films - but this costume is advertised as "Sexy Mrs. Krueger."
I will say, her complexion is much nicer than that of her late husband - Freddy done good. 

Sexy Jason Vorhees.
Look out! It's Sexy Jason Vorhees from the Friday the 13th movies!
This costume kinda reminds me of costumes from the 70's - like when I went as Mindy from Mork and Mindy and my costume was just a plastic jumpsuit with a picture of Mindy on it - but this one is slutty with a picture of Jason on it.

Sexy Michael Meyers.
The worst - Michael Meyers from the Halloween movies - they didn't even try.
A blue jumpsuit with the name of the movie, HALLOWEEN on top of the left boob. No mask, but a bloody knife. I bet she never even saw this movie. Jamie Lee Curtis would not approve.

Other "sexy" honorable mentions include:

Sexy Straitjacket.
Because you are crazy.
Crazy sexy.
And also, you have no legs.

Christmas Sweetie.
 I just can't imagine someone saying, "You know what I want to be for Halloween? SANTA CLAUS."
These two things should remain separate.

Sexy Hamburger.
Oh Christ, really? I mean I love a good hamburger, but...come you really want some jerk following you around all night saying, "Nice buns!"? No, you don't. Or maybe you do. I don't know, this is just a bad costume. Even this model thinks it's stupid, she's all like, "I'm a hamburger, what do you want from me?"

Sexy Terminator.
This costume is called "I'll Be Back Babe" with the word TERMINATOR emblazoned down the leg.
I do not recall this character in the film.

Sexy Crayon.
Perfect. That's it. The perfect costume. I am going to be a sexy crayon. How many times have you heard a woman on October 31st say, "I sure hope there are no other Sexy Crayons at the party tonight."

This year however you dress up, and however you celebrate, let's keep it sexy people.
I'm off to don my "sexy sextretary" costume for work.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

You're givin' me (givin' me) nothin' but shattered dreams.

In the tenth grade we were given an assignment in English class to put together a book of poetry.

The poems could consist of either original work or favorite poems - by such brilliant authors as John Keats, Walt Whitman, or old Bill Shakespeare - all whom we had been studying in class.

Or apparently, it could also be this:

Oh my poor, poor English teacher Mr. Jakob. He must have gotten a migraine from all the eye rolling that went on when he got to my book of SHATTERED DREAMS.

Do you sense a theme?

See, my boyfriend, Albert, had just broken up with me for another woman, Angie. I was a little down in the dumps over the whole thing. 

Just a little.

Below, a few excerpts from this sad, lonely, assignment. Poetry, painstakingly typed out on a typewriter, corrected with bumpy Wite-Out, copied from the pages of what many poets consider to be their Bible, Teen Magazine.

What a nice, upbeat start to the whole project - doncha think? Oh Laura LeBlanc, it's like you know me, you know exactly how I am feeling! You spelled the word "maybe" wrong and I copied it exactly the same way so I spelled it wrong too! And Mr. Jakob didn't even catch it - YEAH!

Hey, another poem about living in the past, all right! Oh, "Teen Magazine Editor," it's like you know me! You know exactly how I am feeling!
Nice artwork, see how I clipped the couple in the I.O.U. brand sweatshirts in half?

Um...yeah...Donna Mullins,  it's like you know me - you know exactly how I am feel -
oh, fuck it.
I spelled the word "lonley" wrong and Mr. Jakob caught it and thought I was "TOO LITERAL" in my explanation of what this poem was about (you think?) And look at my corresponding artwork - that guy doesn't look like he's in high school. He's out having a good 'ol time on a Saturday night with a new girl.
Just like Albert - having a good 'ol time with Angie.
I am a bad person.

Klymaxx - 80's girl group with chart-busting hits such as...well...Klymaxx had this song. DEPRESSING.
I remember calling Q105 and making a "dedication" to Albert with this song, bawling on the air. Awesome, and totally not crazy. I like in the comments I state "I think this is a beautiful song about feelings" and Mr. Jakob tells me once again I am being TOO LITERAL. Shit. I hope I get a good grade. What the hell does literal mean? Anyway...I MISS ALBERT.

In case you are interested, I took the time to type out a bibliography, so you can go to your back issues of your Teen Magazine, oh hey, wait a minute, it basically looks like I copied everything from the poetry page from one issue of Teen Magazine, it's the January 1986 issue, page 48.

Damn, I was lazy. At least I shook things up a little with that Kymaxx song.

And now for the grading:

I got a "B"! Pretty good for copying some poems word for word out of a magazine, right??
And Mr. Jakob thought my illustrations were "very appropriate!" And my themes were "well interpreted!"

And he thought I had a nice touch at the end... 

 Angrily highlighted in hot pink.
Albert + Lori 4eva.

1986. I am an awesome poet.

Friday, October 12, 2012


There are a few fashion/beauty trends that I am unable to pull off, despite the fact that I really, really want to.

Not because the trends are too expensive/outrageous/unattainable - they just don’t work for me.
For example:

  • The Leggings - Three pairs purchased, each worn in public zero times.

  • The Nail Art - Last holiday season I got a pedicure and had a Christmas tree painted on my big toe. The whole thing made me very uncomfortable. Not for me.

  • The Hairbrush - I would love to be just like Marcia Brady and brush my hair one-hundred times every night before bed to keep it shiny and pretty. I mean, to feel a brush run from the top of my scalp to the end of my roots? Sounds dreamy - but so not happening.

It's not fair!
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Which leads me to my next I-wish-I-could-use-that-but-I-can’t-product: The dry shampoo.
My friend Laura and I are always super excited to share products we love with each other. The following is an actual conversation I had with her about Pssssst! Instant Dry Shampoo, which she loves:

Do you see how this can says, "NEW LOOK!"
New look from when? The 1950's?

Laura: Lo, you wanna try my dry shampoo I’ve been telling you about?

Me: YES!

Laura: Spray around your hairline and your scalp.

(I do this, it feels cool and tingly! I walk away from the mirror.)

Me: Thanks, I like it!

Laura: Wait, Lo, you have to brush it.

Me: I can’t brush my hair.

Laura: What do you mean you can’t brush your hair?
Me: I haven’t brushed my hair since I was a little girl, you can’t put a brush through this.

Laura: Well look in the mirror!

I notice white foamy strips on my head where I had sprayed the Pssssst. It looked like that snow-in-a-can that people spray on their windows at Christmastime.

What happened next was five-minutes of Laura chasing after me with a hairbrush and me ducking away from her, laughing like a crazy person while she hollered at me how I "couldn’t walk around like that, with the white stuff outlining my head."

The chase ends with Laura attempting to brush my hair, and me yelling that if she touches my hair with a brush how it's going to look all frizzy for the rest of the day. It ends with her exhausted, eventually giving up. Poor Laura.

Pssssst! This sucks!
So, dry shampoo, you are now on my list along with the leggings and the Christmas tree on my toe.

On my non-shampoo days I'll stick to doing what I do best - when all else fails, add more hairspray.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The Ballad of Lori and Rod. And Billy. And Jon. Especially Jon.

I love a good story-song.
Or a good song-story.

Or whatever you want to call those songs where the lyrics were dramatic tales of young rebel couples, making it against the odds by bucking the system, disobeying their parent’s wishes, and often becoming teen mothers. Take THAT Mom and Dad!

I would listen to these teen rock ballads and create my own music videos in my head (with me in the “girlfriend” role – naturally) dancing, singing, and sometimes crying (seriously) like a madwoman while my Sony Walkman gave me level five eardrum damage.

I never did care much for that Jack and Diane – I don’t really want to hear about someone “sucking on a chili dog.” But these three particular songs still star me as the lead anytime I hear them on the radio.

Young Turks by Rod Stewart.
Ahhh, the first very dra-ma-tic song-story I remember loving from my youth....Young Turks tells the story of Billy and Patti. At the start of the song we learn that Billy has a dollar in his pocket as the young couple runs away from home together. By the end of the song Patti gives birth to a ten-pound baby boy. Hopefully Billy got himself a jobby-job. We also learn that they are not going to let anyone put them down/push them around/change their point of view.

In the music video, a chorus of West Side Story-style dancers follow Billy and Patti around, taunting adults by dancing on their cars while the adults shake their heads and fists at them. Rod Stewart looks exceptionally young and foxy in the video, so that sorta sealed the deal for me picturing Rod and myself in the starring roles as Billy and Patti. Oh - and there is also a weirdo break dancing and doing the robot on top of a roof throughout. Bonus!

Scenes From an Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel.
Oh lordy, grab a bottle of red and a bottle of white. Are you ready for this one? It exhausts me, but I still love it. Brenda and Eddie are the stars of this show, just being announced king and queen of the prom they certainly have a lot of promise. Adults doubt them but they sure showed everybody by getting that apartment, some paintings from Sears, and best of all, a waterbed!

Go Brenda and Eddie, go! You guys are doing great!

But…then…oh no…uh oh. In the same verse where they get the apartment and the waterbed they start to fight and end up getting a divorce. Shit! I don’t believe there is an official music video for this song, there would just be no way to fit in all of the frantic action and the decades it spans – Jesus, the song is like ten-minutes long - it warrants its own short film. But here is Billy, in all his glory in front of his piano. (Cue forward to around the three-minute-mark to get straight to the Brenda and Eddie saga - I told you this is loooong.)

Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi.
Of course I loved Jon Bon Jovi and had this poster of him on my bedroom wall back in the day:
Nice belt.

Livin’ on a Prayer is a true story. I mean Jon starts by dramatically saying, “Once upon a time, not so long ago."

What follows is the tale of Tommy and Gina; Tommy used to work on the docks but is apparently now having some trouble with his union. Gina has a crummy job at a diner and cries a lot at night. She should probably talk to somebody about that. Things aren’t great, but they gotta hold on to what they got.

The music video starts in black and white and consists of the band in rehearsal flying around on harnesses, horsing around with each other, waterfalls of sparklers falling from the ceiling, and grown men having gi-normous mall hair. Jon is also wearing that fringe-y leather jacket that I loved and wished I had for myself. Halfway through the video it’s like the Wizard of Oz where everything turns to color and the band is playing before an audience. Since there are no “characters” in this video so it was super easy for me to plug myself into the Gina role (nice Italian girl) and picture myself bringing my heard earned money home to Tommy (Jon) every night.

So - basically I have cast myself in the role of star-crossed young lover to Rod Stewart and Jon Bon Jovi.

Billy Joel, I cast a young Kristy McNichol as your girlfriend.
We can totally still be friends.