Food has been my boyfriend since, oh I don’t know, pretty much birth.
I started drinking milkshakes from the soda fountain at Woolworth’s at three months and haven’t stopped since.
|Just give me back the milkshake Aunt Ray.|
Another strike against me growing up was my complete and total lack of athleticism. I liked to attend Yankee games with my aunt because she bought me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. My dad coached a softball team and convinced me to try it out. I was good at standing in waaaay out in the outfield, looking around aimlessly, and I was really good at sneaking bites of my Reggie candy bar that I had tucked in my knee high sock. I needed energy, to stand there looking around, right? One-two-three strikes you’re out at the old ball gaaaaame.
I also was never and will never be the girl who “was so busy I forgot to eat.” WTF? Who IS that girl? Let me explain something to you about how my brain operates; I will forget how old I am, what I did last night, how long I’ve been married, and what my children weighed when they were born (seriously, I have no idea) but I will never, ever forget to eat lunch - that I can guarantee.
Many a diet has come into my life from the age of seven (yes, seven) to thirty-something. Here are a few stellar standouts that will be ingrained in my head for eternity, each so healthy and nutritiously sound in their different ways…you gotta wonder why they didn’t work out for me:
Lose Ten Pounds in Three Days.
Why wouldn’t I try this? I mean, the name of the diet says it all. Ten pounds? Three days? SOLD. I did this diet several times growing up along with my mother (thanks, Mom) and it pretty much ruined hot dogs for me for a while there. Mom kept the diet in a manila folder on a legal-sized sheet of paper. She used her secretarial skills to type it out, all professional-like. When I would put on a few pounds, I would see the sheet of paper sitting out on the kitchen counter, and I knew I better get all the Mr. Salty pretzel sticks in me that I could - fast - because here is what the next three days had in store for me:
|Hot diggity dog.|
I remember holding my nose as I choked down beets, wondering why I wasn’t allowed to mix in any mayo with my tuna, and packing that measuring cup as full as I could get it with vanilla ice cream, pressing the metal spoon down hard into the metal cup so I could get the most bang for my buck. My stomach growled at night as I lay in bed - angry and hungry. What is this, like 500 calories a day? Jesus, no wonder I was always so dizzy when I did this diet.
Let’s start by saying that the name of this diet was not the big selling point. Was it a diet? Some form of plant life? An insect? Who would know what this was?
There was a Med-Nutra Centre (That’s Centre with “re” – all European-like) in a strip mall next to a Kentucky Fried Chicken where I liked to stock up on those “Chicken Little” sandwiches. Remember those? They were like two-bites, all little with creamy mayo and one pickle slice? Anyway…the Med-Nutra diet consisted of shakes for breakfast, pudding for lunch, and a sensible dinner. My mom would "doctor up" the shakes with a spoonful of peanut butter and a banana (at least I got a whole banana this time; not half like in the last diet.) But there was no doctoring up that "pudding-lunch." Dry, gritty, medicinal tasting, blech - I choked down my lunch as quickly as I could. Wouldn't a salad have been better? This picture was taken after I hit my goal weight - I think I wore this bathing suit like twice but I was all jacked up to wear a two-piece like all of my girlfriends to the beach in Florida. But those Chicken Littles came a callin' and then just like Oprah, well, you know the rest of the story.
|My Oprah Winfrey "Little Red Wagon Full of Fat" moment.|
Except I am standing in front of a lit fireplace in Tampa, FL.
Also like Oprah, I think ten minutes after this
photo was taken, the weight was back on.
Hello, 1-800-Jenny? Hi, yeah, my name is Lori and I am getting married in two months. Listen, I need to do two things, fast – drop a ton of weight and drop a ton of money. You can help me? GREAT!
My Jenny Craig consultant, whose name also happened to be Jenny ("No, I'm not that Jenny, isn't that a funny coincidence?!?) was baffled by me. After I lost all my weight and got thin I told her she better enjoy it now, because post-wedding it was all coming back baby.
She carried a gi-normous water bottle with a scruchie wrapped around it. I never saw her put the scrunchie in her hair and that bothered me. She also wore a gold necklace with a cowboy boot on it that had a big 'ol spur that spun around. That bugged me too.
After the wedding, as predicted, well, you know. It was like I had been let out of prison on my honeymoon. Chinese food - I've missed you so! Pasta, I'm sorry I've neglected you. And cookie dough, how can I find the words? There are no words...
|And I still wore a girdle under this.|
Mid-reception it was ripped off and
thrown somewhere. Never saw it again.
Today I am happy to report that I am currently not on any sort of a diet. I eat a ton of fruit, try and squeeze in veggies, and as much as I loathe it I do exercise a few times a week. But I'm not as fanatical about the whole thing as I used to be. If I want cake, I eat cake. I eat ice cream instead of ice milk, and I friggin' love it.
The whole eat sensibly and exercise thing is true.
I did pull out that old Lose Ten Pounds in Three Days diet a few months back and seriously thought about it - an easy, quick, albeit temporary fix. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk losing my love of hot dogs again.
It's summer for the love of God.