Friday, June 29, 2012

I got a million of them.

Dream job:
1) Show up.
2) Drink milshake. 
What comes to mind when I say “million”?

· Winning this weeks Powerball?

· Millions of Milkshakes grand opening in Dubai with special guest Kim Kardashian?

· A really great mascara?

Sad but true – I think of all three of these things.

I dream of winning the Powerball millions, flying to Dubai to drink a milkshake and have some girl time with Kim while we sip, chat, and apply our L’Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes mascara.

Just a guess - I’m pretty sure Kim would pile on a few more coats than yours truly.

Drug store mascara – I would never stray from it!

It is my cheapie product indulgence where I can afford to have several brands/colors/formulas. Why spend thirty dollars on Yves Saint Laurent when you can spend seven on something just as good?

They say you should replace your mascara every three months, so if you got the spendy mascara, that would be like $120 a year. Right? I think. Sorry…I don’t have a calculator in front of me right now. So, anyway, you could save…ummm…errrr…I don’t know, you could save a lot of money if you stuck with the seven dollar stuff.

I was a theatre major, ok? Seven is way less than thirty.

A recent addition to my make up goodie bag is this shiny gold tube. L’Oreal makes so many fantastic mascaras for under ten smackers – Voluminous, Lash Out, Double Extend, all great products. So I thought I’d try this puppy out to see if she was a worthy addition to the family.

Voluminous Million Lashes is a million dollar winning scratch-it in my book. I have puny lashes and this plumped up the volume a great deal after just one coat. I love the long, thin, flexible brush that coats every little lash, even the tiny ones in the corner. Simply put – my eyelashes look long and lush and because of the fancy bristles on the fancy brush. Oh, and it’s long wearing too, how’s that for good mascara? Pretty damn good.

So spend your pennies and make millions and let me know if you love this mascara as much as I do.

And don’t make me do any more math, for the love of God.

Now this, I understand.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Surprise! I love you.

I love when something knocks me over like a ton of bricks when I really wasn’t expecting much from it to begin with.

Like when I tried asparagus for the first time. Or put electric blue eyeliner on my brown peepers. Or like the time when I was eleven and was dragged to a little movie called E.T. - I had no desire to see a sci-fi movie about an alien. Who cares if he got lost and couldn’t find his way home? I did. My memory of that “movie headache” will be with me forever. The kind of headache where you don’t want to cry so you hold it in, fighting back tears and emotion until you just can’t anymore and you explode into a big, sobbing, headachy, E.T. loving mess.

Below are five things that I thought would be kind of “meh” and ended up being very “yeh!”

Organix Moroccan Argan Oil shampoo.
Since I have gone part time at work I am trying to cut corners wherever I can. But on something as important as shampoo? I was doubtful this could be done. I needed my twenty dollar suds right? Wrong! I replaced my fancy salon purchased argan oil shampoo with grocery store Organix argan oil shampoo for four dollars and change. I notice no difference and it leaves my curls bouncy, shiny, and most importantly, not frizzy. And did I mention it was FOUR dollars? It was.

Strawberry Shortcake at Burgerville.
I tend to go on and on about how much I miss my east coast food – there is a long list of things that I miss which includes but is not limited to: Stella d’oro cookies, Nathan’s hot dogs, pizza in general, cold cuts, bagels, Carvel ice cream, etc…To all of my friends who have to constantly hear me complain about how much I miss these things, my apologies. Rarely do I wax ecstatic about something you can only get on the west coast, so here goes…the strawberry shortcake at Burgerville is to die for. It is a seasonal item that I look forward to every summer as I do with their pumpkin shakes in the fall (I know, get a life.) Fresh Oregon strawberries sitting on top of a delicious biscuit with a healthy plop of Sunshine Dairy soft serve on top? It’s no Carvel, but it’s damn close.

Charlize Theron in Young Adult.
I love a movie that can tell you so much about a character with a few simple shots. As Mavis, Charlize Theron guzzles from a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke straight out of bed in the morning, sleeps face down on her bed like a cadaver, pulls her belongings from an old Victoria’s Secret bag in the backseat of her car, constantly has the Kardashian’s blaring in the background on her big screen television, drinks like a fish and ignores her little fluff ball of a dog. I expected nothing from this flick and ended up loving it – it was one of those movies that stuck with me days later. To have a movie with such an unlikable character as the lead is tough to pull off - the whole premise revolves around Mavis driving back to her hometown to try and win back her high school boyfriend who is married and has a newborn baby. But you feel for Mavis, she’s so flawed and sad, but funny and real. And I loved Patton Oswalt as Matt, an old high school classmate who tries desperately to stop Mavis from having everyone who comes in contact with her have their life explode. This film also pays homage right from the opening credits to the “mix tape” – which is awesome – and put the song “The Concept” by Teenage Fanclub in my head for like a month.

Especially Escada perfume.
A super-feminine-non-vanilla-based perfume in my repertoire? Believe it. Especially Escada is a combination on rose and ylang ylang, very fresh and floral and non-cookie like. Sucker for packaging that I am – the beautiful bottle is what initially drew me to this new scent. All pink and sophisticated and pretty, I smile when I look at it sitting on my dresser. There is a little pear going on in the mix, as well as Ambrette Seeds, whatever those are. Can you sprinkle those on a salad? Come on, I have to have some food going on in my fragrance - a girls gotta eat.

Fifty Shades of Grey.
One of the cheesiest books ever written? For sure. Did I read it in three days? Yep. With a heroine named Anastasia Steele taking a lover named Christian Grey (well, he takes her actually - over and over and over again) this book might as well have Fabio on the cover. With lines like, His lips are parted – he’s waiting, coiled to strike. Desire – acute, liquid and smoldering, combusts deep in my belly rather than being categorized as “erotic literature” the book should be filed under “mommy porn.” It is poorly written, has stereotypical romance novel characters, and you could die of alcohol poisoning if you played a drinking game where you took a sip of booze every time Ana “bites her lip.”

Aaaand I read it in three days.

So try something new - something you think won’t live up to your high expectations. It’s great to be pleasantly surprised.

And thank you, E.T.
Oh and what the hell - thank you too, Christian Grey.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Ding dong - Avon calling.

All hail the Avon Lady - knocking on the door to our house in the mid-to-late 70’s carrying her flashy bag, wearing her trendy pantsuit adorned with a gold pin that contained solid perfume.

All hail, indeed.

My mother’s Avon lady’s name was Judy and she had strawberry-blonde perfectly feathered hair and to this day, the shiniest lips I had ever seen on a person. In my eleven year old eyes she was probably the prettiest woman I had ever seen and on top of everything else she smelled like strawberries. It was probably that perfume pin that smelled so heavenly.

I still lay in bed some nights and regret not
choosing the Funburger. That's not weird, right?

My mom purchased many products from Judy - pretty powder blue eye shadows, matte coral nail polish and Skin So Soft lotion by the gallon. When I was good, like if I vacuumed the shag carpet in the living room, windexed the glass table, or scrubbed the sink with Ajax after dinner I would get to choose a treat from the little leaflet that came in the center of the grown-up-catalogue.

The center pull-out leaflet from the Avon catalogue contained highly coveted items. I knew I had to choose wisely to make the right decision. Many a sleepless night went by where I lay awake wishing I had chosen the funburger lip-gloss over the lip-gloss shaped like a milkshake.

Here are a few items that were total standouts and are forever burned into the tween-girl part of my brain:

Ice Cream Cone Lip Pomades.
Lip gloss? Kinda. Lip balm? Not really. Lip Pomade? YES.
When I chose this sweet smacker it was obviously all about the packaging. I loved a soft serve ice cream cones, I loved sickeningly sweet smelling things, and I loved pastel colors. Check, check, and check.

Al E. Gator Soap on a Rope.
What happened to soap on a rope? Back in the late 70’s stores could not keep those things in stock, especially around Mother’s/Father’s Day. What exactly was the point of the rope? How does it help you from losing the soap as you are washing yourself? I have no idea. What I do know is that I loved wrapping that scratchy rope around my wrist and looking down at that cute green alligator. Part of me hated to use him, it made me sad to see him dissolve after a few uses into nothingness, leaving just a limp, soggy rope behind. R.I.P. Al.

Pink and Pretty perfume.
Avon had several perfumes geared toward little girls but none with packaging as cool as this. A bottle shaped like a woman, but the woman had a cat head that vaguely resembled Hello Kitty. She wore a ruffly white blouse, a light blue twirling skirt, and held a restoration-style fan. No need to sample this scent, I was SOLD. Oh, and this cat had a name, ladies and gentlemen. That name was Felina Fluffles. No shit.

I cannot tell you for the life of me what that perfume smelled like - I’m sure it smelled like alcohol and was pretty bad. But I can totally envision Miss Felina Fluffles, plain as day, perched on my white dresser in my pink and white room.

Friday, June 8, 2012

We're runnin' a little bit hot tonight.

Back in the day my bestie Susie had a crush on Eddie Van Halen and I had one on Diamond Dave. She liked the shy, silent, genius-guitar-playing-type. I liked the do a ninja kick in your face, shirtless, blowhard, colorful, scarf-wearing type.

Susie and I made a good pair – just like Eddie and Dave.

I remember saving up my babysitting money to buy my first Van Halen album, Diver Down – it was all red and shiny and pretty with a big white stripe. I played that album until it skipped and scratched and I could no longer listen to their cover of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman any more.

My next purchase was their album 1984 which hailed oh-so-many good songs as well as truly amazing music videos. Yes, yes, yes we all love Jump and Hot for Teacher…but my favorite off of 1984 was always the rip-rousing-sexy Panama.

The guitar lick, the sing along chorus (PANAMA! PANAMA-HUH!) and especially, the David Lee Roth talky-thing in the middle of the song where he talks about reaching down and easing the seat back.

All of these are good, good things.

The video featured the band on stage doing their usual crazy antics inter cut with shots of them flying through the air on cables. It also features David Lee Roth getting pulled from a hotel room and arrested in a towel, dancing using a ninja sword and ribbon dancing.

Let’s see you dance with a ribbon, Eddie Van Halen.

If Susie and I could have gotten paid for the hours we spent watching the early days of MTV we would be ba-zillionaires right now. There were certain videos we would lose our minds over and when Panama came on our minds were officially lost. We would kiss the television screen and leave lip prints that my parents would have to had wondered about. We would scream like teenagers a Beatles concert, hold the sides of our face so our heads didn’t blow up and just yell. My parents didn’t wonder about this one, they just screamed back at us to shut the hell up.

I always wondered what the hell Panama was about? A country? A canal? I guess it is about a car? Whatever, it’s a great song, and an was an awesome video. I just needed to see Dave, running his fingers through his tousled blonde hair and have him look straight into the camera at me.

Mostly I needed to scream at and kiss the television screen with Susie. That is what made me smile when I heard it on the radio earlier this week. That and thinking about three David Lee Roth's sliding down firepoles.


Friday, June 1, 2012

Orange you glad?

Spending my adolescent years from fourteen to eighteen in Tampa, Florida was kind of like living at a giant teenage carnival. There were plenty of convertibles for me to ride in, beaches for me to play on, warm, lovely oceans for me to splash in, and endless kissing booths full of boys, boys, boys.

We lived in a subdivision called Northdale, which sounded way fancier than it was. On our street was a happy mix of families with teenage kids, little kids, and retired people. Everyone knew everyone and we all looked out for one another. When Hurricane Elena came for a visit in ’85 the whole ‘hood barricaded themselves in our house for a “Hurricane Party” – no power – which meant no AC, lots of booze, and duct tape over all of the windows to keep the glass from crashing in on us.

Hurricane parties ruled!

Fresh & Fruity.
Toward the entrance of our illustrious subdivision was a giant orange grove. Rows and rows of beautiful, fragrant trees with bright orange balls that hung like Christmas ornaments and swayed in the gentle warm Tampa breeze…sigh.

The orange grove was known for something else besides growing oranges…it was also make out central.

It made perfect sense, big tall trees, soft cushy grass, and zero adults for miles.

I would watch others pair up on their bikes and take a ride on up to “the grove” knowing there would be more than fruit picking going on. These orange-hook-ups were going on mostly during my chubby “ain’t Lori a great pal” years and I was terribly jealous of my girlfriends who were asked by boys to ride their bikes up to the grove.

Here I am.
Rock you like a hurricane.
 Finally I was asked by a boy, Mark, to “ride bikes” up to the grove. I felt like a girl at a ‘50’s sock hop, a wallflower who was finally chosen to dance. I nervously huffed and puffed lagging far behind Mark on my ten-speed, licking my lips in the hot Florida sun trying to remember how to properly French kiss a boy.

When we got to the grove Mark took my hand and led me far into the grove to a secluded spot. I could tell he had been there multiple times before, he knew exactly where he was going. I wouldn’t be surprised if his mail was being forwarded there.

We sat down in the crunchy grass, it wasn’t soft and pretty like I had imagined, and got down to business.

From what I remember it wasn’t romantic at all, very mechanical, very awkward, kind of wet and sloppy. I looked up at the bright green leaves of the trees against the bright blue Florida sky and wished I was standing back in front of my house being bored with my girlfriends.

After about 45 minutes of drowning in saliva I decided it was time to go – so it was back on our bikes and back to Northdale Boulevard in the Northdale subdivision by the Northdale Court shopping center.

That was my one and only trip to the grove – go figure Mark didn’t ask me again.

Oranges would never taste the same to me, knowing what was going on from where they came from.

Heat lightning in a bottle.

An orange that I can stomach right now is Insta-Dri nail polish in Heat Flash (perfect name) by uber-popular girl Sally Hansen. It’s juicy, shiny, and delicious. Bright and bold, this polish is my new summer-go-to, and unlike me back in the day, it is fast ~ drying that is.

You just need one coat of the stuff and it dries in 60 seconds (truly!) This shade of orange is hot as a pistol right now, and is perfect on tan fingers or peeking out of sandals on summertime toes.
I have to admit when I painted the first stripe of polish on I though of Mark, and of the orange trees, and the grove.

Orange you glad I didn’t touch his banana?
I certainly am.