Friday, October 28, 2011

It's Friday, I'm in love.

You know the giddy feeling you get when you are seeing someone new?

You go to bed thinking about them and you wake up thinking about them.
Everything is new, exciting, you love everything about them and you just feel overall…sparkly!

That is how I feel about my new boyfriend, Stardust Eye Shadow by Urban Decay.

Don’t feel bad for me because an eye shadow is my new obsession, because it is totally awesome and makes me feel like a million bucks.

I tried Stardust on at Sephora, admired it throughout the day, and was still thinking about it twenty four hours later. That’s the big test for my friend Laura and I – with clothes, shoes, and makeup. If you’re still thinking about something the next day, you should go back and buy it - unlike that dumb sweater that I bought from Anthropologie just because it was from Anthropologie that makes me look like a Holly-Hobbie-Poet. It cost me money that I didn’t have and I used my credit card to buy it. Now that stupid sweater hangs in my closet and mocks me every time I go in there, with its ruffly pink seventy-dollar sleeves and big buttons.

That was an unwise purchase – this however, was a wise one.

Glitter for everyday use you may ask? Why yes! This is like an explosion of prismatic sparkle along with a wash of color – not costume-y at all. Minuscule bits of sophisticated glitter give you sexy, twinkling lids. This ain’t your teenagers glitter; this is the R-rated adults only stuff.

Stardust comes in nine shades; I am in love with one called Diamond Dog, which is a chocolate brown shade with iridescent sparkle. I was going between that and a very pretty light shade called Bobby Dazzle, which has a lighter, vanilla-sparkle but the David Bowie reference sealed the deal.

I love this shadow because:

• It looks fantastic alone.
• It looks fantastic layered with other shadows.

So fall in love like I did, treat yourself to some icy, glistening, eyelids. This eye shadow will not mock you in the morning, I promise you.

Quit mocking me, Hobbie.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Work it.

I work in an office.

A bit of a “conservative dress” type of office.

I miss the days of working at a staffing service where on Halloween I could come to work dressed as Wednesday Addams.

Or when I worked at the real estate office and came to work as a bag of jelly beans. That year I had to stand most of the day – every time I sat down I would pop another balloon.

That wouldn’t really fly here.

But there are some fun things I can do, that are acceptable, in a sneaky way.

Because it is the most wonderful time of the year – the month of October!

Nail it.
Who loves dark nail polish?
I do! I do!
I can wear my OPI polish in Lincoln Park After Dark or my Chanel Vamp without getting flack from anybody. When my boss asks, “Is that for Halloween?” I can answer with a resounding yes, while looking down and admiring my near-black fun and funky fingers.

paint it (almost) black.

Stocking up.
You can totally wear fishnet stockings to work on Halloween. I think it is written into the Constitution somewhere and is totally acceptable. You can say you are “dressing up” for the holiday while secretly just feeling sexy and sassy about yourself. HAH! If you’re not into fishnets, how about the black and white Wicked Witch stockings, that is acceptable too. Extra points for adding a witch hat. Total admiration if you paint yourself green and add a wart.

True or false.
False eyelashes also work on the 31st. I will be wearing my funky bat ring and batting my eyelashes as I talk to clients. It’s Halloween for the love of God – leave me alone.

Bottom line, do something on the 31st. At least sport some black and orange, please.

I already I feel like I put on a costume everyday, donning a blazer and playing an Executive Assistant for eight hours a day Monday through Friday. Give me one day a year to put on some falsies and fishnets.

My two secretary costumes.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The way-yay-ting is the hardest part.

Immediate gratification – ain’t nothing like it!

We want things fast…now…yesterday!

When I was young, I yearned to be 13 (because now I am a teenager!), then 16 (because of the whole sweet sixteen thing!), then 18 (because now I am an adult!), then 21 (because now I can drink…in public!)

In my twenties my morning routine was much easier than it is today. I worked at a staffing service, in the office, and spent my days interviewing people and sending them out on temporary jobs. I could pretty much roll out of bed, put my hair up, throw on some mascara and some presentable “work costume” and head out the door. Somehow I managed to make it through an eight hour workday on three hours sleep, after drinking, smoking, and exhausting amounts of flirting at a Blind Melon concert with no problem.

Looking back, I am shocked and appalled at the state my work hair was in at that point in my life. There was just no time to wash and blow dry – I was running on fumes and had to get to work on time.

What type of position are you interested in?
Can I see your resume?
Do you like Blind Melon?

Seriously, how did I not get fired based on my I-don’t-have-time-to-wash-my-hair-so-I’ll-look-like-the-Bride-of-Frankenstein every day thing I had going on. I’m sure potential employees that I was interviewing were wondering the same thing.

I recently discovered a product that would have made my morning routine a little easier back on “Hangover-Wednesday.”

KMS makes a product that (get this) you spray on your hair and it actually makes it dry faster.

I know, you’re thinking what is this, some kind of voodoo magic?
How can spraying something wet help make my hair dry?

Now I’m no scientist, but I do know a thing or two about wet hair and blow dry time.

Free Shape Quick Blow Dry works. I have A LOT of hair and it can take A LONG TIME to dry with the old blow dryer and diffuser. I just spray it on my towel dried hair, and abracadabra, it cuts my drying time by like 50%.

Just like any good magic trick I don’t need to know how it’s done…it’s just done.

I can slap that snooze button once more knowing how quickly I’ll be able to dry my hair.

I'll save the hangovers for the weekends - I'm a grown up now.

Monday, October 17, 2011

The miracle worker.

It was my senior year of high school – something had to give.

As you know from past posts I had tried out for (and failed at getting into) the following groups:
  • Starettes (dance team)
  • Showcase (glee club)
  • Starring role in the senior musical Funny Girl (I was cast as one of Fanny Brice’s mother’s friends, Mrs. Henry)
  • Student Council (even bribery with candy for votes did not work)

I could go on and on but I am starting to get depressed.
Obviously I wanted to be a part of something, pretty bad.

Cue auditions for the senior play, The Miracle Worker.

Now this was more up my alley, no singing involved, no choreography, and virtually no lines!

I auditioned and nearly fainted when the cast announcement was made and yes, yours truly was about to play Helen Keller.

I was the biggest haired 1989 Helen Keller you had ever seen, but I was thankful, and happy, and relished and mustarded my starring role.

I got so many flowers.
I'm jealous.
I'm tired.
I want a PROM DATE.

A new miracle showed up in my life recently and I couldn’t help but think back to that production.

miracle worker dark spot corrector by philosophy is truly that - a miracle worker. The product claims to visibly improve the appearance of dark spots and skin discoloration associated with age spots (hooray!) acne scarring (yippee!) and sun damage (wa-hooie!)

I had pretty bad acne in high school that left me with some lovely scars. I have been using this miracle worker product for about a month now and I can see a noticeable difference in the nasty marks that were left behind.

Boy, does this make me happy.

Now it’s not a complete miracle, the spots aren’t gone, but yes, they are lighter. How do I know for sure? I used to put concealor on one particular spot everyday and guess what…I don’t anymore.

As Boy George would say, “It’s a Miracle.”

If I could rub this stuff on my brain I could easily erase the memory of not making the dance team.

Results would take just four-to-six-weeks.

Miracle on 34th Street
and on my street too.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Ghosts of Halloweens past.

Halloween is my Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong - I love Santa Claus as much as the next girl, but there is something extra special to me about Halloween.

Growing up in Ossining, New York our house was aglow with orange the month of October. My mom went all out for every holiday – making them all special, and Halloween was one of the most special times of the year, for many reasons:

• My dad loved horror movies and had my brother and I both watching them way before we should have been. I remember watching Creature Feature hosted by Dr. Paul Bearer on channel 32 with him when I was little. Paul was like Elvira, except with creepy eyes instead of big hair and giant boobs.

He would host bad b-movies on Saturday afternoons and Dad and I would veg out on the sofa watching The Brain That Just Wouldn’t Die and Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster. This was quality time.

• It was a holiday that was not only for kids, but for adults too. My parents would have crazy Halloween parties in the basement (or “bar” as they liked to call it) of our house. The bar was right next to the laundry room, you could smell the Downy as you downed your Tom Collins. My parent’s friends would go all out, dressing up in incredible costumes. My mom would take a picture of each couple by the front door as they came in. I remember sitting on the stairs and watching them parade in and pose to get their pictures taken, like they all were going to some demented prom. I totally wished I was one of them and prayed that someday I would be as cool as them.

My parents cool, ghoul friends.

Those curtains were not put up for the holiday - they were year round...

• And finally, costumes and candy – hello…what is better than those two wonderful things? Some of my favorite costumes included:

Even back in the day, I was into make up - nice gypsy mole.

Favorite treats included:
     Milky Way
     Bazooka Gum
     Bottle Caps
     Pop Rocks
     Charleston Chew

My parents love of costume parties, all things orange and black, and horror movies helped shaped who I am today. My house is now aglow starting on October first and we have costume parties every year. My kids are Halloween fanatics and start planning their costumes in July. I have raised them up right.

The guy in the Devil costume would also dress up like Baby New Year at my parents New Years Eve parties.

Monday, October 10, 2011

High roller.

This is totally how I dress to go get my hair done.
I would have loved to have been one of those glamour-puss ladies back I the late ’50’s – early 60’s who went and got her hair done weekly at the beauty parlor. I would have sat under a big warm dome, my head filled with gigantic rollers while getting my nails painted “Jungle Red” all while smoking a ciggy in one of those fancy holders.

Since I have curly hair I have never had the pleasure of using rollers, although I did experiment with my mom’s hot rollers she used to have when I was a kid. No better toy for a little girl than scalding hot spiky pieces of plastic! I loved rolling those little logs into my head, securing them with a giant metal u-shaped clip – I would put a shower cap on over the rollers, puff on one of Mom’s not-lit Virginia Slims and pretend I was in the movie The Women with Joan Crawford and Rosalind Russell.

Ahhh, youth.

Today I can still get close to that beauty parlor in my mind by using Liquid Rollers Curl Balm by evo. My hairdresser introduced me to this styling balm that holds my curls together and protects against frizz. It has a really nice, thick consistency and doesn’t leave my curls crunchy or sticky.

I feel fresh from the dryer – my hair is soft - not painful to the touch, which is good.

I’m gonna go and put on my cat eye sunglasses, paint my nails red and rest my elbows in two halves of a lemon.

Oh, and can you buy one Virginia Slim at the 7-11?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

These are a few of my favorite ka-things.

I sing songs to myself - a lot.

I like to insert family members/dead pets/childhood friends into songs. Sometimes these little ditties come out funny, most of the time they come out stupid, and sometimes they come out just plain wrong (like when I insert my three year olds son’s name into “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry or "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse.)

I also love to sing commercial jingles.

One from childhood that goes through my head quite a bit was for the toy Ker-Bangers, a best seller from the early 80's. At any given moment, at the bank, the grocery store, or at work if you say a word that starts with a “ker” sound or a word that might rhyme with “bangers” - you betcha this is jingle is going through my head:

“Ker-Bangers on the left, Ker-Bangers on the right, Ker-Bangers…Ker-Bangers…OUTTA SIGHT!”

Ker-Bangers were two balls on two rope strings connected by a plastic handle. You would move the handle up and down to make the balls bang together and then move your hand faster to get them banging against each other furiously from the top and the bottom. I am guessing Ker-Bangers were taken off of the market due to multiples cases of children’s wrists breaking – these things were deadly. My forearms were so black and blue I’m surprised no teachers ever approached me asking how things were going at home. I can still hear that click-clack-click-clack sound of them banging together when I could get them going just right. And I can still hear the jingle going through my head, 24-7. And whenever I see Alec Baldwin in the movie Glengarry Glen Ross pull out those brass balls I think of my good ol' Ker-Bangers.

A-Always, B-Be, C-Clanging your Ker-Bangers.
Caboodles did not have a jingle that I can remember but in my book Caboodles didn’t need one. My Caboodle was like a fishing tackle box for my make up, brushes, hair scrunchies and various accessories. It went to every slumber party, teenage fashion show, and was backstage with me during any high school play I was involved in. My Caboodle was pink and aqua and I loved it and carried it with me for years, toting it around with me up through college.

It always made me feel like some glamorous woman from the 1950’s, boarding a train with her big leopard print make up case, clutching the shiny black handle with a gloved hand. Except I was going to the Tampa Bay Mall clutching cheap pink plastic, but it was still pretty awesome to me. While my brother Mike had his Transformers, I had my Caboodle that transformed into my own personal salon, with a fuzzy mirror built in.

Back to my love of made up songs and jingles, with all of the Ker-Banger Caboodles talk I am now singing, “Caboodles on the left, Ker-Bangers on the right, Caboodles…Ker-Bangers…OUTTA SIGHT!” out loud, cracking myself up as my poor husband is trying to turn off the light and to go sleep. He does not remember either of these products.