Friday, September 9, 2011

Baby love - and what the hell am I doing.

The top shelf of my closet is jam packed with various brightly colored bags and purses that I go between quite often. There is a certain ritual for the changing out of the old purse into the new purse; deciding which one I’m in the mood for, pulling them out of the dust cover bags, emptying out the old one – goodbye gum wrappers, pennies and expired coupons that have floated to the bottom of the old bag.

Yesterday I was changing into a big gray purse and I noticed a bound notebook in the bottom of it. I was about to hand it over to my three year old Sam to use as a coloring book when I started leafing through it. Inside the notebook were thoughts I had written down, from when Sam was three months old. I started reading it and a million memories came rushing back. Here is an excerpt from the day before I was to return to work.

I was going from being a stay at home mom back to the 8-5 Monday through Friday grind. I so vividly remember this day as it is described below:

I spent my “last day” with Sam doing mundane things. I wanted to make sure I had great pictures of him for my desk at work so I went to Cost Co to get some developed. Then I went to Michaels Craft and Floral to buy new frames for the new pictures of my new baby. This was all very important and had to be done today.

Then I got the oil changed in my car, for free! I had a coupon.

While we waited for the car to be done I walked Sam over to the Safeway and picked up a few things. Bananas for work tomorrow and two scratch-it tickets. I LOVE scratch-it tickets, today I won six bucks, a pretty good haul. It was difficult for me not to trade my winnings in for six more scratch its but I figured I could treat myself to a foofy coffee drink in the morning.

We sat in the little café at Safeway and I scratched my scratch-its. I fed Sam and watched a guy in an orange construction vest sit down and eat an entire rotisserie chicken from the deli with a plastic knife and fork.

I started to feel guilty, thinking this was the way I had chosen to spend my monumental “last day” with Sam. Then I looked down into his blue-gray eyes as he chugged from his bottle and I knew it didn’t matter where we were. And I am not kidding when I tell you that “We Belong” by Pat Benatar came over the sound system and I began to get a little teary at the Safeway deli. The man had his chicken and I had my Sam and tomorrow it all was going to change.

I wish I could stay home with my boys, raise them up well, pack their lunches, drive them all over tarnation, and wipe their butts. That is definitely what I want to do with my life.


I am actually kind of looking forward to putting on some make up and a nice blouse tomorrow and talking to some other adults.

For the working mom’s out there – did you have a Safeway deli moment?

I am so glad I found this record of what happened on that day - just another day, but not, for me and my boy.

Whatever we deny or embrace for worse or for better
Weeeee belong, we belong, we belong together.

1 comment:

  1. So bittersweet this thing called 'life'. My memory of going back to work after 8 months home with Jack and Ava was not being able to sleep the night before due to anxiety of how the morning would go and my heart was breaking that they would go to a sitter (even though it was family). I got to work on time that first day but cried so much and so often that my boss sent me home early. I was a wreck!

    Troy and I talk about that time in our lives and wonder how we did it. But you just muddle through and I must say are prouder, stronger and wiser because of it.

    There is something to be said for being a working Mommy. I know I enjoy, even cherish my time with my kids since I work all day- and that benfits us all:o)