Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Scent of a woman.

Last week I wrote about the new maxi-pad madness that is apparently sweeping the nation. These pads have funky/cool designs on them and supposedly will make you feel better about having your period. Because you need to feel a little bit more like Monet or Picasso with your monthly visitor, right?

So now, I am off to another product that wants to take extra special care of your cookie.

Summer’s Eve is revamping the hell out of their ad campaign with their new slogan “Hail to the V.”

V is for vagina, in case you didn’t know that.

Right next to the food court!
Now I am all about hailing the V. I think that is pretty awesome, it’s about time we hailed it properly.

Everyday of my life I walk by a Victoria’s Secret store that has a giant framed picture of a vagina in the window. I look at, it’s pretty, but it does kind of boggle my mind that a gi-normous framed picture of a vagina is hanging in the mall. Can you ever in your life, imagine that same shot of a man hanging in a mall store window for passers by to look at and admire? Blech.

Summer’s Eve new website is full of v-esque vines and berries that I have decided represent nipples – how could they not? There are cute little icons, a quiz to “ID your V”, a vagina owners manual (no joke), and of course, information about their many V friendly products.

Keep this manual in a safe place - maybe along with the
users manual for your '86 Honda and instructions on how to use
your new ice cream maker.

We’re not talking about douche here; we’re talking about a special wash, like a shampoo for your nether regions. For when soap and water are not good enough for your business.

Summer's Eve wants you to walk right down the feminine hygiene aisle of the grocery store loud and proud, their website states, “choose the checkout lane where the hottie is working and get your flirt on.” Because you want that hottie to know you want your V to smell like a melon for him.

Summer’s Eve Cleansing Wash comes in the following…um…flavors?

Simply Sensitive – If your V is shy, enjoys a good book and the movie Steel Magnolias, this is the scent for you.

Delicate Blossom – If you worry about your V shattering into pieces, because it is so delicate, and you want it to smell like a giant lily.

Morning Paradise – This V is an early riser and enjoys long walks on the beach, sunsets, and travel.

Naturally Normal – This is for the V that is…not mental? Normal, I guess.

The website asks, “how many cleansers do you have in your bathroom right now?”
Jeez, where do I begin? My mind races, um, I don’t know, 42?

The next question was easier, “Now, how many are specially formulated for your vaginal area?”
Okay, that would be zero.

Then in the same paragraph it says, that “two kinds of doctors have give the green light to use this product every day.” Is that a good thing? TWO KINDS of doctors? Only two? And what kinds of doctors, like a vet and a dentist? If it was an actual V doctor giving the green light, don’t you think they would be telling us that?

I think I’ll stick with my soap and water.
My V can be naturally normal without having to use any Naturally Normal on it.

I'm sure Cleopatra would have totally appreciated having these products available to her.

1 comment:

  1. Hail to Aretha Franklin!

    As a kid I always thought this Manfred Mann song included the word douche.

    Blinded by the light,
    revved up like a deuce,
    another runner in the night

    Here's the story about Marlene I was telling you about! Hail to the vinaigrette!

    …”Dietrich, on the other hand, was an intrepid and pliant lover. When her daughter asked her later in life why she had had so many sexual partners, Marlene responded with a shrug and said, “They asked.” She clearly thrived on pleasing her partners and didn’t believe in condoms, finding men “so grateful when you tell them they don’t have to wear it.” Once she discovered diaphragms, she called them “the greatest invention since Pan-Cake makeup.” Until then, she had sworn by her secret weapon against pregnancy: douching with ice-cold water and wine vinegar, which she carried with her by the case everywhere she went. (Decades later another of her co-stars and grand amours, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., warmly recalled their “lovely liaison,” adding, “You know, sometimes when I am in a restaurant and a waiter walks by with a salad vinaigrette, I’ll find myself thinking fond thoughts of Marlene.”)..”

    Hail to Lori Ferraro!