Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Stretch marks the spot.

I remember one year for Christmas my brother got one of those Stretch Armstrong dolls by Kenner. He loved that thing and unlike most of his toys, so did I. Mike would hold the arms and I would hold the legs and we would stretch poor Stretch across the living room.

I loved the texture of Stretch.

I could sit on the couch for hours mindlessly watching television with Stretch in my lap, kneading his arms with my fingers, pulling his legs out and watching in awe as he sloooooowly bounced back to his original odd shape. He was heavy as hell, and his hands and feet freaked me out a little because they were all rounded and weird looking. He felt all gelatinous and gooey, and I wondered what was inside Stretch - it felt like some sort of weird thick fluid.

Stretch had on little black undies and nothing else. He looked pretty good.

I decided recently that I should do something so I too can look good in my little black undies.

A reader asked me if I had ever tried stretch mark cream, and which one I would recommend. As glamorous as this challenge sounded, I couldn’t wait to try it and hopefully give some lovely little lines the old Stretch Armstrong heave-ho off of my bod.

Let me start by telling you something.

There is no such thing as a miracle product.

There is nothing that you can rub on your body or your face to make lines disappear. There is no Mr. Clean Magic Eraser for the body.

But, there are products out there that can help ease the blow of time stomping across you.

I had heard that Mederma was a trustworthy, middle-of-the-road price range stretch mark cream. Here is the problem with me and Mederma – you do not see any results for eight to twelve weeks.


When I want something I want it yesterday, not twelve weeks from now.

So I tried really hard to be patient and started rubbing this cream on at night.

A few weeks passed and I was looking at my stomach and my legs in the mirror like one of those forensic scientists on CSI examining a body. Nothing looked different.

Finally eight long weeks went by and I have to say…I think the stretch marks look a little lighter? I mean maybe? I mean, I’m not really sure.

So I stopped using the cream and it is sitting on my bathroom window sill along with some old self-tanning cream that I got tired of and a bubble bath that I don’t really dig, but it’s in a pretty bottle that I like.

I think stretch marks were never really a bother to me, so let me apologize, I may not have been the right person to take up the challenge of testing out the cream. I just don’t have the patience to wait; I admit I’m not good at it.

I bet whatever that thick goo was inside of Stretch Armstrong could help with our stretch marks. It probably would have burned the top layer of skin right off – POOF! Stretch marks gone forever!

Lookin' good Stretch.


  1. I agree with everything you said in this article (as I do with most of them) Stretch Armstrong rocks, no miracle creams and 8 to 12 weeks? Yuck!
    Thanks for this blog. It really rocks!

  2. Mederma is for scars (which I guess stretch marks are). I bought it when i cracked my head open during the "Sealed for Freshness" run.(Remeber how pretty I looked?) I still use it on that scar which is practically gone. But, I also used it on an old dark scar on my knee and it completely lightened up to my natural skin color in about 4 months. Amazing!!

  3. I love that you'll try anything once. I just hope you won't try EVERYTHING once:o)