Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Anthony Chronicles - the final chapter.

Things started to get a little weird with Anthony.

After the big homecoming dance he got a little possessive of me. Well, maybe more than a little. Here are some things that happened in our relationship that were in retrospect, a bit creepy.

Anthony wanted to keep me chubby. He would make me insanely high-calorie lunches, like a fried egg with Velveeta cheese on a buttered roll. Then he would wrap it over & over in tinfoil to try & keep it warm until lunchtime. We would sneak off together and eat, away from the lunchroom in a corner of the stairwell. He called it a “picnic”, I called it anti-social and lame. He liked keeping me away from my friends; he said he wanted to spend his time just with me and with no one else. That’s not a warning sign or anything.

When I decided I wanted to lose some weight and go to Weight Watchers, he of course joined with me. We went to a meeting in a strip mall once a week in the evenings, and my mom or dad would usually drop us off. Sometimes instead of going to the meetings we would go to Po’ Folks Restaurant in the same strip mall and eat biscuits and gravy and fried chicken. Po’ Folks is a restaurant in the south where the menu prides itself on misspellings. They serve “po-taters” “corn on th’ cob” and “kuntry fried steak” (no joke. Kun-try.) I really got a lot out of those Weight Watchers meetings.

He liked my feet. A lot. He nicknamed my toes “stubbies” and would want to look at them in Spanish class. He would pass me a note and ask me to take off my light blue pump so he could sneak a peek through my pantyhose at my toes. Totally weird, but I knew he liked it so what the hell, I showed him my toes.

He knew that I had dated (or more like fooled around with) a guy who was a senior named Dave. He found out that I had talked to him and got real upset and threatened to kick his ass. That got me all dramatic and upset because Dave was my first kiss, and I’d always had a crush on him. Like if I had a choice between being Anthony’s girlfriend and Dave’s girlfriend my choice would be Dave hands down.

Anthony and I had tickets to the Rod Stewart concert. The Hooters were the opening band and I really liked them. Anthony found out I thought the lead singer was cute and got seriously pissed when we were watching them. He said I was looking at the singer too much, especially when they sang “All You Zombies.” I spent most of that set trying to look at the keyboard player or the drummer to avoid confrontation.

We went to see the movie Pee Wee’s Big Adventure in the theatre and he made us leave because he said that the movie, “was not up to his family’s standards.” I didn’t understand because I thought it was really funny and then I felt dumb for laughing so much. His family wasn’t even there with us. Why did we have to leave?

But the weirdest thing Anthony ever did happened on Valentine’s Day.

I knew something big was coming on this holiday because his friends and family kept hinting about it, like a “Wait until you see what he has in store for you” type of thing.

On Valentines Day I was told simply to go over to his house. I didn’t know if we were going out somewhere, having dinner, or what was going on. I showed up and we ended up having baked ziti or something Italian & fattening that his mother made. “Is this it?” I wondered. I mean, it was nice and all, but his folks were sitting at the kitchen table with us.

After dinner it was time for my “surprise”, and he ran upstairs, leaving me sitting there with his parents. His mother started to go on and on about how much work he had put into this gift for me. Now I was getting excited! Then his dad came over and put a scarf around my eyes like a blindfold. At this point I should have bolted for the door and not looked back. I was nervous. They had let us have some champagne and wine to celebrate the holiday so I was a little tipsy too. This was totally ok and normal for a 15 year old girl.

Moments later I was swooped up in someone’s arms, and I assumed it was Anthony, but like I said I was frickin' blindfolded, so I wasn’t sure. I felt myself being carried upstairs and heard his parents yell, “Bye-bye” and “You two have fun!”

I was placed on something soft and the blindfold came off.
I was on his bed, which was covered in rose petals.
There was a small bear in a coffee mug that said, “I Love You Beary Much.”
A million candles were lit.

I looked up at Anthony. He was wearing the following:

• A top hat
• A bow tie
• A tuxedo jacket with tails
• Red satiny man-undies
• Nothing else

He said it was time for my present and I wondered what David Lynch movie I was suddenly starring in.

He put on the song “Oh Sheila” by the band Ready for the World and started doing a crazy-sexy Chippendales style dance for me. He would lick his fingers and wink at me and take the hat off and put it back on again over and over. He didn’t take off any of his clothes, he just was doing this performance while I sat there with a smile plastered across my face, wishing I was anywhere else but there.

After the one man show I clapped and we made out on his bed.

When I was getting ready to leave his parents asked me if I had a good time and how I liked my present. I said that everything was great and got the hell out of there.

Following that Valentines Day I decided to end our relationship I the same way I poorly ended many relationships in high school, as well as into my twenties: Ignore the entire thing altogether. I didn’t return his calls, dodged him in the halls at school, and just hoped he would go away.

Which he did. Literally.

One day Anthony and his family were just gone. He wasn’t in school, his friends were asking me where he went, and the house he lived in with his family was empty.

I thought maybe I had a power I was previously unaware of. I wished he would go away and he did. No more egg sandwiches, sabotaged Weight Watchers meetings, insane jealousy or stripteases.

So I wished really hard that the lead singer of the Hooters would swoop me up in his arms and do a sexy dance for me.

Didn’t happen.

Hold on tight to your dreams.


  1. What? This is the final chapter? Please tell me you found out what happened to him and his family. If not, you should know that I have some mad internet-searching skills...Call me.

  2. omg! I imagine him practicing his sexy dance for his mother... ack. Glad you ignored him out of your life!

  3. There's 2 sides to every story.

  4. All I can think of is Ava being 15 and her boyfriend's parents allowing (even promoting) this kind of weird/inappropriate behavior and I want throw up. I am sooo glad you weren't date raped while his parents were downstairs listening!

    Please look in to his where-abouts as I am sure there will be some type of illegal doings on his record. Scum!

  5. I am assuming 'Anthony' is David? LOL!!!

  6. Oh, do we all have an "Anthony" story in our past? I think so... but yours is pretty awesome (in a creepy, what the hell kind of way)

  7. So the gift was the Chippendallie dance bit?????
    Going Steady With The Enemy!

  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.