Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Yogurt Makes Me Angry.

Sometimes when I really love something...like...when I really love it a lot, I love it so much that the thought alone of it can make me angry.

Nine times out of ten these things revolve around a food I love. Or music. Mostly food. 
For example:
  • Carvel soft serve with rainbow sprinkles. I love it so much I'm upset.
  • The opening choir singing You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Stones. I am furious.
  • Nutella. Cookie Butter. Nutella and Cookie Butter. My head just exploded with anger.

Here is a new thing I'm pretty pissed off about.

See, I've been doing this no sugar thing since October but lately, I've been adding some sweet treats back into my life. This one is on the healthier side (unlike the Peeps Oreos that I had last night. Ssshhhhhh.) Back to yogurt. This yogurt is delicious. This yogurt is fucking delicious.

This is no Yoplait. No Dannon. Ellenos Greek Yogurt tastes like ice cream, it's better than a lot of ice cream I've had. This yogurt is a treat. You don't need any mix-ins, no toppings, no cereal would ever be worth stirring into this custard glory.
Are you kidding me.
I tried marionberry and lemon curd. 
I don't think I have to tell you how mad I am right now.

As you can tell from the fancy-pants packaging these are fancy-pants yogurts and not cheap. They are $3.99 at my local New Seasons grocery store. For ONE yogurt. That is almost four dollars.

I am willing to pay this amount for something that I love. Something that I now require. That I may have to get a part time job in order to continue eating. Just take all of my money Mr. and Mrs. Ellenos because I love you and your delicious yogurt so much.

So when you find me in the poorhouse sitting in a corner, licking the bottom of a marionberry yogurt container just know that I am happy. And incredibly angry.

Monday, January 9, 2017

New Year, New Stuff I Love.

I've been away for a while and I've missed you. But not to worry -- I've still been buying lots of cosmetics, lotions and vanilla-scented things to make me happy. Today I'm here to report back on a few that I find exceptionally great. 

Julep Nail Polish
I like this nail polish for a few reasons:
  • It goes on really smooth and isn't gloppy
  • It's cool, chrome and metallic 
  • The color is called WILMA

Wilma is one of those shades that changes depending on the light you're in. It's a pretty, rose-gold number that reminds me of my entire jewelry wardrobe circa 1991.

Josie Maran Body Butter
This was a Christmas gift from my husband and it was pretty romantic how he picked it out for me. I was on hour three of being hypnotized by beauty products on QVC when a presentation came on for this giant box of argan oil/body butter and perfume in a VANILLA WAFER scent. I yelled for him to order it for me at five easy payments of $15.38.

Oh man that Josie makes a nice body butter, all whipped and creamy -- the scent is nice too; although I have to say, the Nilla Wafer scent also kind of mixed with...and stick with me on this...with notes of...Play-Doh. I'm not kidding. 

At least that's what my nose tells me. Bottom line, it smells really good and makes me want to roll out a mat and take a nap on the floor.

It Cosmetics Superhero Mascara
New year, new favorite mascara.

I like this giant tube A LOT. It gives my puny lashes tons of volume and lift. It's really buildable unlike some other brands where adding coat after coat leads to clumps, Coat after coat of this makes my lashes look thicker and longer. It also claims to be anti-aging, which is good for all of us gals with our elderly eyelashes? I dunno. It's a good mascara you guys.

Neutrogena Revitalizing Lip Balm
Oooooh this lip balm is so good...super-hydrating and tinted with color that you can actually see. I'm loving this Sunny Berry shade in the dead of winter.

This stuff is really moisturizing and claims to give you "softer, rosier and healthier looking lips, even after you take it off." I will keep you posted as to the tint of my lips as 2017 goes on.

Let me know if you've tried any of these and love them too, or if there's something great you made your husband order off the television set for you.

Or if you agree with me that smelling vaguely of Nilla Wafers mixed with Play-Doh is kinda great.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Pretty in Pink - 30th Anniversary Screening

This year for Valentine’s Day, my husband got me the most romantic gift in the world:

In honor of Pretty in Pink's 30th (gulp) anniversary the movie was showing in all its glory across the country on the big screen once more.

So here’s the deal … even though I've seen Pretty in Pink 900 times, seeing it on the big screen again I was able to catch a few things I had either forgotten or just not noticed before. Like:

Opening Credits.
Let’s start off by saying I could still watch Andie get ready for school all day. Or maybe forever. And so what if watching her choose earrings while Psychedelic Furs blares in the background made me cry. Don’t judge me.

Stunt Duckie.
Heartbroken following Andie’s date with Blane, the Duck Man takes out his frustration by angrily riding his bike around Chinatown. I laughed out loud for the first time in the theatre noticing this obvious stunt Duckie, showing off his mad skills popping wheelies, spinning the front tire around and his grand finale of standing on the bike seat. All while not trying at all to hide the fact that he is in no way Jon Cryer.

Dancing Guy.
I totally remembered the dancing guy in the prom scene but seeing the dancing guy in the bottom left corner on the big screen was a treat. Dancing guy!

James Spader is the most beautiful high-school-man in the world.

I am Iona.
When Andie and Iona are sweetly slow dancing Andie tells Iona, “You're gonna OD on nostalgia.” Ummm, that's me. Right now. In my life. It made me want to make my hair gigantic, put on some acid was jeans and slow dance with a young lady friend to "Love Bites."

So yes, my itch was scratched and I laughed and cried. I could go on and on...when Duckie went into the Tenderness routine I was convulsing in my seat trying to hold in a full body ugly cry meltdown.

See, I told you, now I’m Iona -- not pearls and a blazer going on a date with the pet shop guy Iona.
Can't I stay "Cherish" beehive Iona a little longer?

I’m the older one. I'm OD-ing on remembering what I felt when I experienced this glory for the first time. 

And that's okay. Beehive Iona feels like a good place to be.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Shea, shea, shea what you want.

Like most 20-somethings in the 1990s, I was very busy going to Blind Melon concerts, eating boxes of Teddy Grahams and watching Beavis and Butt-Head on a loop.

I was also very busy wearing essential oils from The Body Shop.

The Body Shop is where my quest to always smell like baked goods began; my friend Molly and I would go there and buy little, round glass bottles of vanilla oil, which they've since discontinued.

Now I've seen a lot of products come and go but I have to say, I've never been so torn up over a loss like this. 

I tried to be cool like other girls when I replaced my signature vanilla with their "White Musk" oil, but it wasn't for me. And "musk" is such a gross word. Musk. Eeew.

I've since moved on to other vanillas, but you never forget your first. That black cap, that glass bottle, that scent that made everyone ask me WHAT IS THAT OH MY GOD YOU SMELL SO GOOD.

Why would you discontinue something that does that to people?

Since there was no more of my precious hippie oil left at The Body Shop I didn't really think there was a reason for me to ever go back in there. But recently, I tried this.

I'm nuts about this shea body butter, shower cream and scrub. Around this time of year my skin gets really dry and this line is pretty hydrating. And delicious.

The shower cream is milky, the scrub is all sugary and the body butter (my favorite) is all, well, buttery.

It's thick and creamy and soaks right into my skin, leaving a light, nutty scent. 

Which would pair really well with that amazing vanilla oil I used to wear...seriously if anyone out there has a lead on getting some of that stuff my way I would love to talk to you. 

In the meantime, I still keep this empty little bottle -- the one with the black cap that still has a faint whiff of my 20-something self left in it.


Friday, October 23, 2015

Sexyween IV

When you think about October, the following things probably come to mind:
  • Crunchy red, yellow and purple leaves underfoot.
  • Warm, autumnal themed coffee beverages. 
  • Pumpkins, candy corn, scary movies, candy corn, chocolate, corn mazes, more candy corn.
  • A grown woman dressed like a bottle of Heinz Yellow Mustard.

Right? It's finally that time of the year! It's Halloween! 

Now I'm not going to talk to you about silly costumes this year like the "Sexy Pizza Rat" costume 
or the Sexy "What Color is the Dress?" costume.

No. Like I said, those are silly. 
I am going to talk to you about real costumes. Serious costumes. Like...

"Michael Jackson"
It's bad. It's bad. You know it. 

Look at this total nerd! She is so nerdy with her glasses and her knee socks! 
She even has tape on her glasses because nerds are always 
breaking their glasses straight down the middle like that. 
Ha ha! Stupid nerd!

"Hot Dog"
What? Stop yelling you guys! It's me! Lori! I'm a hot dog! 
You probably don't recognize me because I'm dressed like a hot dog in this hot dog costume!

Yee-haw? This is just confusing. 
Who's hands are those? Is she half cowgirl half Barbra Streisand in 
The Owl and the Pussycat? Does anyone else get that reference?
Is a man who is invisible except for his hands getting frisky with her? What is happening?

Sometimes, you just need a good nurse. 
A good, nice nurse.
A good, nice, bloody nurse from the MENTAL WARD.

She is a barista babe who works at a coffee chain 
that shall remain nameless that is not Starbucks. 

"Hulk Hogan"
I have nothing further to say about this.

Look at this filthy pirate. 
She probably has scurvy from not eating her vegetables.

This Gumby costume is just like the real Gumby
 complete with headband that makes half a Gumby come out of your head, 
a Gumby face on a small, green dress 
and white opera gloves/thigh high stockings.
She's Gumby, dammit!

"Bottle of Wine"
I am wine because it says I am wine on my costume. 
I am from "Le Vineyard" which is French for "The Vineyard."
Also, there are grapes pointing to my vagina because it's Halloween.

Wear teeny-tiny underpants to the party, you will.

"Donna T. Rumpshaker"
 As the hat says on this clever costume, you can "Make America Great" in this 
white sleeveless shirt, red tie and royal blue booty shorts.

However and whatever you decide to do this year for Halloween, please keep it sexy people.

And if you want to keep it super-sexy, why not pair up with a buddy? Your friend can be "Hot Fries" or this years "Hot Dog" (like me! Pictured in the above photo! With the double ear infection! I'm feeling better now, thanks!) 
You know what to do. 

She is a hamburger. What do you want from her.
Happy Halloween 

Friday, September 4, 2015

Gonna fly now.

Last weekend there was a Rocky movie marathon on the MGM Channel -- ALL OF THE ROCKY MOVIES were on. 

So, as always, I settled in and made myself comfortable on the couch for several hours of Sylvester Stallone saying “absolutely” that way that he does that I really like.

There are several reasons I love all of the Rocky movies, too many to name. And none of them involve a robot. Here’s a few.

They make me all nostalgic.
Strong memories of sitting with my brother and my grandma in her den, watching the first two Rocky movies on her HBO. In my mind these two films are both masterpieces that make me kiss my fingertips and blow a kiss like a chef presenting you with a perfect meal. Or two perfect meals. Also memories of Grandma reminding us over and over that Sylvester Stallone is Italian. And talented. And very handsome. And Italian.

The best underdog story.
I mean come on, it just doesn’t get any better. And please don’t compare it to Hoosiers. Or Rudy. And especially Forrest Gump.

One of the best supporting characters ever -- I love Burt Young as Adrian’s loyal, drunken, messed up brother Paulie. Paulie drinks a lot, yells a lot, throws things a lot, ruins Christmas, and pretty much puts his sister in a coma for much of Rocky II. Sloppy hat. Disheveled tie. Cigar. I am still waiting for the spinoff movie/TV series/passion play “Paulie” and I refuse to believe I’m the only one asking for it.

They make me cry every time.
Every time. From Rocky to Rocky V. If he yells "ADRIAN" or she’s sitting on the couch saying to the television “I love you” over and over or he invites the tiger at the zoo to their wedding after proposing to her, or Apollo dies or especially, when Mickey dies...I will cry.
Training montages. Boxing montages. Driving around in cars while remembering everything that happened in the last few movies montages. And shopping montages where in a matter of hours Rocky buys a house, several gold watches, a new coat for Adrian and this tiger jacket that I still want to own.

Clubber Lang.
Who is this angry? Like, just in general? What happened in Clubber’s life that he needs to yell, snarl and growl at you when words fail him? Mr. T is at his T-ist, fueled on feather earrings, a mohawk and pure rage.

Mr. & Mrs. Ivan Drago.
I like how all of these scientists have spent all of their precious time and money hooking Drago  up to space age/high tech machinery and are measuring his every breath, punch, move and bead of sweat like the world is depending on it. I also love Mrs. Drago’s ‘80s power suits, haircut, shiny lip gloss and ability to begin every sentence she speaks with the words “My husband…"

The music.
Rocky's ThemeBurning HeartEye of the Tiger -- which must be repeated by Apollo Creed thousands of times before the end of Rocky IIIGonna Fly Now coming in and swelling at just the right moment. Sigh. So good.

Oh yeah, boxing.
Finally a sport that I feel drawn to, because, Rocky. 

Friday, June 19, 2015

Like an urban cowboy.

I’m pretty open to trying new things. 

But there is a short list of things that you cannot convince me to like; no matter much you like them or how great you tell me they are. 


Deer. Quail. Or elk. Any meat you describe to me as "gamey."

Yoga. Holy moly. I'm bored.

Honeydew. When is it ever ripe? Never? I think never.

Harry Potter. I don't like it! It's ok!

Country music. This one is not negotiable because it makes me break out in a mental rash; it always has. And don't try and sell me with the business about how today country music has crossed over and is now at the top of the Billboard charts.

I just don't like it. I don't like cowboy boots or cowboy hats. I don't like cowboys.
Except for one:

John Travolta in Urban Cowboy is the only cowboy on my list of cowboys that I like.
I will always stop on and watch it I’m flipping around and land on it. If you don’t know this classic film from 1980 I have to wonder what you were doing in the early '80s when it was in the theatres or later running on a loop on HBO. Maybe you were working. Or playing outside or some nonsense like that. But you should have been watching Urban Cowboy.

Coming off of a hot streak of Grease and Saturday Night Fever (both of which I will also watch in their entirety anytime day or night) Mr. Travolta tried his hand at the country western thing. And in my book, he succeeded. Greatly.

Because if I am going to be interested in a cowboy it’s going to be an Italian one from New York with really good hair who always wins the big trophy in any organized dance contest.
Urban Cowboy tells the story of Bud (Travolta) a cowboy who learns many lessons about life, love and mechanical bull riding.

Beside the obvious (young, hot early ‘80s Travolta) here are several other reasons why I love this movie.

Sissy is tough, sexy, doesn't take any crap. She wins the contest for sexiest mechanical bull ride ever. I love the way she can make the name "Bud" five syllables long. Also I love her constantly asking Bud, "You a real cowboy, ain't ya?" I love Sissy.

The bar where the mechanical bull lives. Someday I will go there and swig Bud Light while screaming really loud for someone to play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" ONE MORE TIME!

"I done told you once you son of a bitch I'm the best there's ever been..." 
Count this as one country song I enjoy.
The sweetest uncle who ever died in an explosion at a refinery.

Every movie has to have a bad guy right? Wes is real bad. He's out on parole. He drinks too much, fights too much and knocks Sissy around. He has a bad attitude and complexion to match and in one scene he wears a MESH SHIRT. Which isn't bad at all. It is awesome.
Because nobody says "fine, forget it" like Bud and Sissy.

OK. So maybe I don't hate everything about country stuff. 

I would like to go to Gilley's. I'd totally do an overnighter in Bud and Sissy's mobile home. That "Lookin' for Love" song gets me a little nostalgic and misty so hey, I guess I like two country songs. I'd ride in a truck and be all excited that there was a tiny license plate with my name on it in the back window that a guy bought to show things were getting serious between us. 

And I'd argue really loud in a parking lot with young cowboy-Travolta and and wrestle him down to the ground in a giant mud puddle. That's what country people do, right?

And I would kinda like to try riding that bull.

Bud and Sissy forever.