Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Just Peachy.

Remembering the colors of the 1980’s the train in my brain stops at the usual places.

Fluorescent pinks. Various shades of turquoise and aqua. That purple that only existed for a brief moment in 1984.

But there was one totally ‘80s color that I had forgotten about until this floral arrangement was delivered to my office today.

The flowers woke up a memory of an outfit so clearly I could almost feel the fabric and smell the Colors by benetton perfume I'd spritz on top of it.


Peach overalls! Layered over a cutesy Outback Red top, topped off with a matching scrunchie no one would ever see, but I knew it was there.

Le sigh.

I’d forgotten that peach was kinda huge back in the day. And since it was the ‘80s it wasn’t a light, pastel peach. It was a milky peach. A loud peach. It was the brightest shade of peach it could be before morphing into neon-peach, which exists only in my dreams and on Brooke Shields.


Thinking about that cutesy peach overalls number led me to remembering this other get up which you may call a peach nightmare, but I call awesome.

Funny how when I was much younger I embraced the trashy-business-woman look with this beloved peach skirt paired with burnt toast colored nylons and cheapo white pumps. Merry Christmas!

Just like the fluorescent pink, turquoise and that elusive 1984 purple, you really don’t see a ton of peach out there in the fashion world today. I’m hoping it makes a giant comeback. When it does I’ll wear it.

Maybe not in overall form. But I’ll totally wear it.

Monday, May 22, 2017

What's Good for the Goose

I’m not super familiar with Ready for the World’s entire music catalog, but I am pretty sure every single song they ever sang was about wanting to have sex, thinking about sex or straight up having sex. 

Just look at these guys.


Capes, loafers, the whole shebang, they are ready to go. And all those medals they're wearing? I'm guessing they're for sweet, sweet lovemaking.

I know they have way dirtier songs (Love You Down? Human Toy? Yo! That's a Lot of Body?) but their chart-topping hit “Oh Sheila” will always be a front runner for me.

Most notably because of that time when an old boyfriend danced and lip synced this song in its entirety to me on Valentine’s Day, 1980-something. Also the “oh-oh-oh-oh Sheila” part induced hip thrusts and gyrations by teenage boys and girls at various teen night clubs around the world, I'm sure. It did at least at Faces Teen Night Club in Tampa Florida.

Also this song changed the way I will forever hear the phrase “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” 




I'm not sure what philosopher/writer/smart person actually came up with that one but for anyone who went to those teen nightclubs we will go ahead and continue to credit these guys. Not that it comes up in conversation a lot but when it does, I’ll always repeat it in my head in a poorly executed cockney accent. 

I haven't met a Sheila in years, but next time I do be assured it'll be hard for me not to throw in a hip thrust (or three) along with my handshake.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Yogurt Makes Me Angry.

Sometimes when I really love something...like...when I really love it a lot, I love it so much that the thought alone of it can make me angry.

Nine times out of ten these things revolve around a food I love. Or music. Mostly food. 
For example:
  • Carvel soft serve with rainbow sprinkles. I love it so much I'm upset.
  • The opening choir singing You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Stones. I am furious.
  • Nutella. Cookie Butter. Nutella and Cookie Butter. My head just exploded with anger.

Here is a new thing I'm pretty pissed off about.

See, I've been doing this no sugar thing since October but lately, I've been adding some sweet treats back into my life. This one is on the healthier side (unlike the Peeps Oreos that I had last night. Ssshhhhhh.) Back to yogurt. This yogurt is delicious. This yogurt is fucking delicious.

This is no Yoplait. No Dannon. Ellenos Greek Yogurt tastes like ice cream, it's better than a lot of ice cream I've had. This yogurt is a treat. You don't need any mix-ins, no toppings, no cereal would ever be worth stirring into this custard glory.
Are you kidding me.
I tried marionberry and lemon curd. 
I don't think I have to tell you how mad I am right now.
Jesus.

As you can tell from the fancy-pants packaging these are fancy-pants yogurts and not cheap. They are $3.99 at my local New Seasons grocery store. For ONE yogurt. That is almost four dollars.

I am willing to pay this amount for something that I love. Something that I now require. That I may have to get a part time job in order to continue eating. Just take all of my money Mr. and Mrs. Ellenos because I love you and your delicious yogurt so much.

So when you find me in the poorhouse sitting in a corner, licking the bottom of a marionberry yogurt container just know that I am happy. And incredibly angry.


Monday, January 9, 2017

New Year, New Stuff I Love.

I've been away for a while and I've missed you. But not to worry -- I've still been buying lots of cosmetics, lotions and vanilla-scented things to make me happy. Today I'm here to report back on a few that I find exceptionally great. 

Julep Nail Polish
I like this nail polish for a few reasons:
  • It goes on really smooth and isn't gloppy
  • It's cool, chrome and metallic 
  • The color is called WILMA

Wilma is one of those shades that changes depending on the light you're in. It's a pretty, rose-gold number that reminds me of my entire jewelry wardrobe circa 1991.

Josie Maran Body Butter
This was a Christmas gift from my husband and it was pretty romantic how he picked it out for me. I was on hour three of being hypnotized by beauty products on QVC when a presentation came on for this giant box of argan oil/body butter and perfume in a VANILLA WAFER scent. I yelled for him to order it for me at five easy payments of $15.38.


Oh man that Josie makes a nice body butter, all whipped and creamy -- the scent is nice too; although I have to say, the Nilla Wafer scent also kind of mixed with...and stick with me on this...with notes of...Play-Doh. I'm not kidding. 

At least that's what my nose tells me. Bottom line, it smells really good and makes me want to roll out a mat and take a nap on the floor.

It Cosmetics Superhero Mascara
New year, new favorite mascara.

I like this giant tube A LOT. It gives my puny lashes tons of volume and lift. It's really buildable unlike some other brands where adding coat after coat leads to clumps, Coat after coat of this makes my lashes look thicker and longer. It also claims to be anti-aging, which is good for all of us gals with our elderly eyelashes? I dunno. It's a good mascara you guys.

Neutrogena Revitalizing Lip Balm
Oooooh this lip balm is so good...super-hydrating and tinted with color that you can actually see. I'm loving this Sunny Berry shade in the dead of winter.



This stuff is really moisturizing and claims to give you "softer, rosier and healthier looking lips, even after you take it off." I will keep you posted as to the tint of my lips as 2017 goes on.

Let me know if you've tried any of these and love them too, or if there's something great you made your husband order off the television set for you.

Or if you agree with me that smelling vaguely of Nilla Wafers mixed with Play-Doh is kinda great.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Pretty in Pink - 30th Anniversary Screening

This year for Valentine’s Day, my husband got me the most romantic gift in the world:


In honor of Pretty in Pink's 30th (gulp) anniversary the movie was showing in all its glory across the country on the big screen once more.

So here’s the deal … even though I've seen Pretty in Pink 900 times, seeing it on the big screen again I was able to catch a few things I had either forgotten or just not noticed before. Like:

Opening Credits.
Let’s start off by saying I could still watch Andie get ready for school all day. Or maybe forever. And so what if watching her choose earrings while Psychedelic Furs blares in the background made me cry. Don’t judge me.




Stunt Duckie.
Heartbroken following Andie’s date with Blane, the Duck Man takes out his frustration by angrily riding his bike around Chinatown. I laughed out loud for the first time in the theatre noticing this obvious stunt Duckie, showing off his mad skills popping wheelies, spinning the front tire around and his grand finale of standing on the bike seat. All while not trying at all to hide the fact that he is in no way Jon Cryer.





Dancing Guy.
I totally remembered the dancing guy in the prom scene but seeing the dancing guy in the bottom left corner on the big screen was a treat. Dancing guy!



James Spader is the most beautiful high-school-man in the world.
Fact.




I am Iona.
When Andie and Iona are sweetly slow dancing Andie tells Iona, “You're gonna OD on nostalgia.” Ummm, that's me. Right now. In my life. It made me want to make my hair gigantic, put on some acid was jeans and slow dance with a young lady friend to "Love Bites."



So yes, my itch was scratched and I laughed and cried. I could go on and on...when Duckie went into the Tenderness routine I was convulsing in my seat trying to hold in a full body ugly cry meltdown.

See, I told you, now I’m Iona -- not pearls and a blazer going on a date with the pet shop guy Iona.
Can't I stay "Cherish" beehive Iona a little longer?

I’m the older one. I'm OD-ing on remembering what I felt when I experienced this glory for the first time. 

And that's okay. Beehive Iona feels like a good place to be.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Shea, shea, shea what you want.

Like most 20-somethings in the 1990s, I was very busy going to Blind Melon concerts, eating boxes of Teddy Grahams and watching Beavis and Butt-Head on a loop.

I was also very busy wearing essential oils from The Body Shop.

The Body Shop is where my quest to always smell like baked goods began; my friend Molly and I would go there and buy little, round glass bottles of vanilla oil, which they've since discontinued.


Now I've seen a lot of products come and go but I have to say, I've never been so torn up over a loss like this. 

I tried to be cool like other girls when I replaced my signature vanilla with their "White Musk" oil, but it wasn't for me. And "musk" is such a gross word. Musk. Eeew.

I've since moved on to other vanillas, but you never forget your first. That black cap, that glass bottle, that scent that made everyone ask me WHAT IS THAT OH MY GOD YOU SMELL SO GOOD.

Why would you discontinue something that does that to people?

Since there was no more of my precious hippie oil left at The Body Shop I didn't really think there was a reason for me to ever go back in there. But recently, I tried this.



I'm nuts about this shea body butter, shower cream and scrub. Around this time of year my skin gets really dry and this line is pretty hydrating. And delicious.

The shower cream is milky, the scrub is all sugary and the body butter (my favorite) is all, well, buttery.



It's thick and creamy and soaks right into my skin, leaving a light, nutty scent. 

Which would pair really well with that amazing vanilla oil I used to wear...seriously if anyone out there has a lead on getting some of that stuff my way I would love to talk to you. 

In the meantime, I still keep this empty little bottle -- the one with the black cap that still has a faint whiff of my 20-something self left in it.


MEMORIES.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Sexyween IV

When you think about October, the following things probably come to mind:
  • Crunchy red, yellow and purple leaves underfoot.
  • Warm, autumnal themed coffee beverages. 
  • Pumpkins, candy corn, scary movies, candy corn, chocolate, corn mazes, more candy corn.
  • A grown woman dressed like a bottle of Heinz Yellow Mustard.


Right? It's finally that time of the year! It's Halloween! 

Now I'm not going to talk to you about silly costumes this year like the "Sexy Pizza Rat" costume 
or the Sexy "What Color is the Dress?" costume.

No. Like I said, those are silly. 
I am going to talk to you about real costumes. Serious costumes. Like...

"Michael Jackson"
It's bad. It's bad. You know it. 


"Nerd"
Look at this total nerd! She is so nerdy with her glasses and her knee socks! 
She even has tape on her glasses because nerds are always 
breaking their glasses straight down the middle like that. 
Ha ha! Stupid nerd!


"Hot Dog"
What? Stop yelling you guys! It's me! Lori! I'm a hot dog! 
You probably don't recognize me because I'm dressed like a hot dog in this hot dog costume!


"Cowgirl"
Yee-haw? This is just confusing. 
Who's hands are those? Is she half cowgirl half Barbra Streisand in 
The Owl and the Pussycat? Does anyone else get that reference?
Is a man who is invisible except for his hands getting frisky with her? What is happening?


"Nurse"
Sometimes, you just need a good nurse. 
A good, nice nurse.
A good, nice, bloody nurse from the MENTAL WARD.


"Barista"
She is a barista babe who works at a coffee chain 
that shall remain nameless that is not Starbucks. 


"Hulk Hogan"
HULKAMANIA. MOUSTACHES. 
I have nothing further to say about this.


"Pirate"
Look at this filthy pirate. 
She probably has scurvy from not eating her vegetables.


"Gumby"
This Gumby costume is just like the real Gumby
 complete with headband that makes half a Gumby come out of your head, 
a Gumby face on a small, green dress 
and white opera gloves/thigh high stockings.
She's Gumby, dammit!


"Bottle of Wine"
I am wine because it says I am wine on my costume. 
I am from "Le Vineyard" which is French for "The Vineyard."
Also, there are grapes pointing to my vagina because it's Halloween.


"Yoda"
Wear teeny-tiny underpants to the party, you will.


"Donna T. Rumpshaker"
 As the hat says on this clever costume, you can "Make America Great" in this 
white sleeveless shirt, red tie and royal blue booty shorts.
USA! USA


However and whatever you decide to do this year for Halloween, please keep it sexy people.

And if you want to keep it super-sexy, why not pair up with a buddy? Your friend can be "Hot Fries" or this years "Hot Dog" (like me! Pictured in the above photo! With the double ear infection! I'm feeling better now, thanks!) 
You know what to do. 

She is a hamburger. What do you want from her.
Happy Halloween